Missed Opportunities
by eccentricvagabond
Summary: My take on season 9, starting from the episode where Jackson and April broke up after the pregnancy scare.
1. November 29, 2012

April, feeling uneasy, but ignores it walks into the ER. A paramedic hands her a chart and starts talking about the patient. Once she sees the patient with an arm inside a meat grinder, she couldn't stop the vomit rising out of her. She throws up on the floor.

"Whoa!" The patient instinctively moves away, as if he's actually near April.

"Dr. Kepner!" One of the nurses says. He moves closer to April, trying to see if she's okay.

The other nurses and paramedics all stare at her, some even shaking their heads; a trauma surgeon with no strength for these kinds of cases. Embarrassed, she brings her head up, wipes her mouth with the back of her hand while handing back the chart to the nearest nurse, who hesitantly takes it.

"Page Dr. Hunt and Dr. Torres." She manages to make her voice steady and clear, despite the strong urge to run out of the room. She looks at the patient again but looks away quickly. She adds, "Dr. Avery, too."

Not looking at anyone anymore, she walks away. Once out of the ER doors, she feels another wave of nausea and quickly bolts for the restroom.

Getting out of the stall, she washes her hands, mouth and then face, thankful that no one is there with her. No one would ask the questions she didn't know the answer to. After, she stares up at the mirror. She looks the same—all pale skin with red hair and blue eyes. And yet, she feels different. Something is definitely wrong.

Ever since the other day, she's been feeling uneasy. Maybe it's stomach flu. She could only guess. Her pager beeps—Hunt asks for her. Shaking her head and taking a deep breath, she takes once last look at her unchanged reflection and finally exits the restroom.

She knocks on the opened office door. Chief Hunt is on the phone and when he sees her, he waves her in and points to the chair in front of his desk. April takes a sit and waits for him to finish.

Owen puts the phone down and then meets her eyes.

"You paged, Chief?" She asks meekly.

"Yes."

The deep voice of her mentor is one of the most familiar things for her. The numerous times he taught her in her choice of field – she had spent most of her time listening intently to that voice. And right now, with that certain tone, she's sure that he's about to bite her head off.

He laces his hands on the table and clears his throat before speaking again.

"Would you mind explaining what happened today, Kepner?" His jaw is tight and set. "Why you couldn't do your job as a trauma surgeon and had to pass it on to me, the Chief of Surgery, who had so many other important things to attend to?"

April swallows hard.

"Is the patient—?"

"Dr. Torres and Dr. Webber are in the OR now with him. Dr. Avery is also there to tend to the patient's numerous skin damages due to the fire. Badly burnt, he was."

And now, it's starts – her apologizing to no end. "I'm really sorry, I swear. It won't happen again—"

"It better. I've personally trained you because I see a great potential in you and never expected you to blow chunks in front of a distressed patient." His blue eyes are wide with expectation. She feels embarrassed all over again.

"I'm sorry, sir. I really am."

Owen sighs. "Alright, but I'm watching you." He points a finger to her before leaning back on his chair, lacing his fingers on his abdomen. "Now, what's wrong with you?"

April scrambles her mind for a viable excuse. "Food—food poisoning, I bet. I think—" she nods her head a little, as if agreeing with herself "– yeah, I think that's it. F-from that deli soup a few nights ago."

She lies. Well, she has to come up with something. Otherwise, people would think she's pregnant or worse, a weak doctor. And she simply can't be one of those things.

•••

Cristina, Alex and Meredith are all at the second floor nurse station.

"I heard Kepner threw up in the ER today—the second she saw that patient whose hand is stuck in a meat grinder." Cristina says with a laugh.

Alex joins her as he writes down on his chart. He mutters without looking up, "What a pathetic excuse for a trauma surgeon, Kepner is."

April walks in and hears his comment. "And you, Alex, are a pathetic excuse for a man."

He looks up at that, raising his eyebrow.

She grabs a chart on the shelf. "Which is just as bad."

Alex opens his mouth to speak but April cuts him.

"And I just had food poisoning, so drop it or I'll blow chunks at you instead." She says as she opens the chart and starts writing.

Meredith leans over the counter across from her. "How did the surgery go? Did you get the hand out of the thing?"

April looks up. "Oh, I didn't scrub in."

"That's 'cause you are not cut out for the job." Alex mutters.

April looks up but she bites her lip as she feels her mouth turn sour. She closes the chart and then walks away.

Cristina, who is watching her, says warily, "I think she's gonna throw up."

"You should go home and rest, April." Meredith suggests.

April just waves a hand at her and continues walking. When her breath hitches, she breaks into a run and goes inside to the attending lounge. She runs to the bathroom and didn't have the second to close the door when she falls to her knees and starts vomiting her lunch. She didn't even notice the person in the doorway until he speaks up.

"April, what's...?" Jackson's voice fills the small bathroom.

April just shakes her head lightly and then continues to vomit. She grips the porcelain. Jackson kneels beside her, holds her hair and runs his hand on her back.

Finally done, she reaches for the toilet paper and he hands her some. Wiping her mouth, she stands up and rinses her mouth at the sink, using the mouth wash there.

"April?"

He's worried, she could tell.

She turns around and finds him standing too close to her. She suddenly feels nervous when she meets his worried eyes but she quickly reminds herself that they are done. It absolutely can't happen again, for both of their sakes.

"I'm fine."

She walks out to the empty lounge, falls on the couch and brings her hand to her face. She sighs. He sits next to her and rests his hand on her knee. She stares at it and he feels awkward about it so he draws it back, clearing his throat.

"No, you're not fine. What's wrong?"

"Just some food poisoning, nothing big."

"From what?" Jackson presses on.

"The, um, soup I bought at the deli the other night." She shrugs nonchalantly.

"What soup? Which deli?"

April laughs. He's actually serious with that question.

"You're too touchy with the details, Jackson." She says.

He laughs, also. "Well, you should go home, then."

She sits up. "Oh, that's not necessary—"

"No, it is. You can't walk around with patients everywhere and barfing every now and then."

"I'll be fine."

She pats his arm lightly and then walks out of the room.

•••

Author's Note: I know I used that "meat grinder" thing from one episode on season 8. I couldn't think of anything else to fit the story. Sorry.


	2. December 1, 2012

Jackson is walking down the hallway, reading a chart in hand. Then he looks up and sees Callie and Shane talking by the nurses' station. Confused, he walks over to them.

"Prep Mr. Roberts and get an OR ready, I'll meet you there." Callie orders to Shane Ross, who nods his head.

"What is going on? Why are you ordering my intern?" Jackson asks as he closes his chart.

Callie furrows her eyebrows. "Get your own intern."

"I did and I got Ross, which reminds me," he turns to Shane, "where the hell were you during rounds?"

"He was with me and he will be for the whole day." Callie counters.

Shane now looks hesitant on what he should do.

Callie eyes him. "Get your ass moving, Ross, unless you want the patient to die."

Shane nods quickly and walks away.

"That was my intern." Jackson glares at her.

"Oh, boo hoo." She turns her head and sees Stephanie on the other side of the station, writing on a clipboard. "Just get Edwards."

"Who?" Jackson asks.

Callie rolls her eyes. "Edwards!"

Stephanie looks up. "Yes?"

"You're with Avery today." Callie turns to Jackson. "Problem solved." The she walks away.

Jackson just rolls her eyes as Stephanie walks over to him. He looks at her for a second before moving again. Stephanie follows him.

They enter a patient's room. The patient smiles widely at the sight of the doctors, particularly at Jackson, who smiles back. She tucks her blonde hair behind her ear.

"Why, hello, Dr. Avery." Her southern accent is very thick in her voice.

Jackson leans his elbow on the table by the bed. "Back again, Miss Baxter?"

"Oh, quit it with the 'Miss Baxter' thing. Don't make me sound so old." The patient laughs. "Call me Annie."

"Noted." Jackson replies lightly.

Stephanie is a little surprised that the two know each other, which Annie notices.

"I was his patient before." She explains. Then she turns to Jackson. "It's a shame about Dr. Sloan." She nods sympathetically.

Jackson stands up straight and looks a little uncomfortable all of a sudden.

"He's a wonderful doctor." She goes on. She turns to Stephanie, "And, mind you, a lovely man, inside and out."

Stephanie just nods, even though she doesn't exactly know who Dr. Sloan is.

Jackson clears his throat. "Alright, Miss Baxter –"

"Annie." She reminds him.

"Annie." Jackson nods. "We should talk about your operation –"

"I gotta say, boy, being in this hospital again, I keep expecting I will see Dr. Sloan again. As if he will just pop inside the room and take over." She laughs wistfully.

Jackson purses his lips. He is about to go again but Annie beat him to it.

"He's such a good doctor, really did fix me up." She shares to Stephanie. "Every dime I've spent in this hospital is worth it because of him." She adds to Jackson, "And Dr. Avery, too, of course. You two were just…how do I say it? Compatible?" She waves her hand in question. "Yes, I think that's it. It's just a shame, it really is."

Jackson takes a deep breath, as if trying to suck it all up, his jaw clenches. Stephanie can't help but think that he's a looking, for lack of better word, irritated. She averts her stare to Annie again when he meets her eyes.

"My gals were jealous that I was in the good hands of 'The Dr. Sloan' –"

"Now, Annie, we really need to discuss the operation that you're going to have this afternoon." Jackson presses on.

Annie didn't notice the sharpness in his voice. She just smiles sweetly. "Alrighty, then. Fire away, Dr. Avery."

Jackson sighs then goes on to the explaining.

•••

Stephanie closes the door behind her as she and Jackson leave the room.

"Prep Miss Baxter and have an OR ready for this afternoon," Jackson orders.

"Who is Dr. Sloan?" She asks suddenly. He raises his eyebrows at her, questioning if that should really concern her. She adds hastily, "If you don't mind my asking."

He considers ignoring the question, but he has no reason to do it. He just shrugs. "He's someone I used to work with."

"Oh, so he's a plastic surgeon, too, I suppose? Is he really that good, by the description of Annie?" She asks eagerly.

"He used to work here, Edwards." He answers rudely. "Just leave it at that." Then he walks away.

Stephanie furrows her eyebrows, wondering what is up with this Dr. Sloan that makes him all riled up.

•••

Jackson is sitting on a chair at the nurses' station. He sips the coffee in his hand and blinks hard, trying to clear his mind. But all he could think about is Mark.

As much as he tries to not over-think it, he really does miss his mentor. Seeing Annie Baxter again brought up a lot of things. Particularly the time he spent learning from Sloan. It really was the best time he had in his medical career. He was taken under the wing of the best in the field, he couldn't ask for more.

And now, there are days that he didn't know what to do with a patient. He would second-guess every decision he would make. But Mark…Mark always knows what to do – an ability that Jackson had always been jealous of, something he can't just learn, despite Mark's incessant teaching in the world of plastics. Jackson may have passed the boards and got promoted in his job, but as much as he wants to deny it, he still needs his mentor.

He imagines the both of them working on Annie Baxter again, side by side. It would be smooth-sailing, as always. They complement each other. He wants to be confident in working alone. He wants to comfortable with his newfound independence. He wants to think like Mark. But how can he learn more on how to do that if the man himself is gone?

April walks by the nurses' station and sees Jackson. She purses her lips and walks over to him, across the counter. She leans her elbows on it and calls, "Jackson."

He didn't realize he is staring at the empty computer screen in front of him until he heard someone call him. He looks up and sees her. "Hey."

"What's wrong?"

Jackson looks at her in amazement. They broke up weeks ago, and yet, they both found a way to be back to where they came from – or at least in that direction. He feels somewhat sad that they failed when they tried to date, tried to make each other happy. But in times like this, when he needs his best friend, he's happy that she's willing to put everything aside and just knows what to do when he himself don't. He knows that she's the kind of person that you rarely find in life. He'd already lost Sloan; he can't lose April, too.

"Jackson?" She raises her eyebrows.

"Nah, I'm just trying to think about this case – how I am supposed to do it." He shakes his head. "And I'm not even sure about it."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out." She says reassuringly.

He laughs in a hollow sort of way. Then he stops. "I've been thinking about Sloan." He blurts out.

April herself is a surprised by the confession since Jackson is pretty much closed to all the sentimental stuff. It took him a while to admit that he has – or rather, had – feelings for her. And he did it in a vague kind of way. She pushes that thought far away – she doesn't have to remember that. "Really? You miss him?" she asks.

He raises his eyebrows. "I really don't have to answer that, do I?"

She shrugs a little. "It's okay to admit it, Jackson. It's just me."

"There's just this patient, she was a former patient of mine and Sloan's and now she's back so I just kind of…remembered him." He tells her though he's sure she's not satisfied with the answer.

She cocks her head to the side and raises her eyebrows. "Jackson."

He stares back at her. It's something in her expression that makes him say things to her. "Yes," he replies in a low voice.

She smiles a little. "Hey, it's not a bad thing to think about him and miss him. He's important to you, you can't deny that fact."

"Yeah, but he's gone."

"So? Just because people left us doesn't mean they're less important. It's okay to think about them sometimes, especially when thinking about them can help us move forward with our everyday lives." She tells him.

He looks doubtful. "Yeah, but that's not enough, is it?"

"Jackson, you knew him pretty well. You can use your memories of him." She tells him like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm sure there'll a lot."

She's right, he thinks. He finally smiles. "I don't know what I would do without you, April."

She smiles also.

"Wanna go get a drink tonight?" He asks. For him, being all sentimental and crap is a cry for alcohol in his system.

She nods. "Yeah, okay—shoot."

"What?"

"I'm covering the night shift. Rain check instead?"

His expression fell. "Oh." He shrugs. "Alright, then."

She's about to walk away but he stops her.

"April, wait."

She turns back to him. "Yes, Jackson?"

"Thanks. For the, uh..."

She already knows what he's talking about. "Sure, anytime." She smiles before going back to her work.

•••

After their surgery – albeit a very quiet one – Jackson and Stephanie enters the patient's room for post-ops.

Jackson walks over to Annie's bedside. "Annie." He gently shakes her shoulder. She wakes up and instantly smiles at Jackson.

"Why, hello, kid, how was it?" She asks groggily.

Jackson smiles at her. "It was very successful."

Stephanie proceeds to checking her heartbeat, among other things and writes on the chart in hand.

"Thank you." Annie says to Jackson.

"Don't thank me, thank Sloan." He tells her.

Annie looks confused. "I don't understand," then her expression shifts to hopeful, "did he make an appearance to you?"

He laughs a little. "Sadly, no."

Her face falls. "Oh. Well, what did you mean, then?"

Stephanie discreetly watches Jackson as she writes on the chart. He's no longer uncomfortable with talking about this Dr. Sloan.

"He helped me be what I am today." He tells Annie, simple as that.

Annie just smiles at him.

•••

The two doctors leave the patient's room. Jackson looks at Stephanie, who is now walking over to the nurses' station. Without thinking, he walks over to her.

"Stephanie," he tells her first name for the first time.

She looks at him. "Yes, Dr. Avery?" She bits her lip.

He looks at her like he'd never seen her before. His lips part in embarrassment. He brings his eyes up at her. Her curly hair frames her face, that face that's full of determination, something he always sees in Cristina's. He finds himself looking at her frame, the way her scrubs hugs her body in all the right places…

He didn't realize he is staring for too long until Stephanie clears her throat awkwardly.

"Dr. Avery, is everything okay?"

It snaps him back to reality. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine." He meets her eyes. "Would you like to go get a drink?"

She almost drops the chart in her hands. She's taken aback. "Are you…?"

"Nothing's going to happen," he adds hastily. "I'm just in dire need for a drink and I don't feel like having it alone."

"Oh." She nods. "Okay."

•••

After their shift, the two are in the bar. At first, it's silent. But Jackson decides to break the ice.

"So," he clears his throat. "You know what field you wanna be specializing in?"

"I don't think I can actually know that in my intern year." She tells him.

He laughs a little. "I guess." He sips his beer.

"Have you always wanted to be in plastics?"

He shakes his head. "Not really. Truth be told, I didn't even expect to be a plastic surgeon."

"Funny how things turn out, right?"

"Yeah,"

"Can I ask again…" she uses her words carefully, "who is Dr. Sloan?"

This time, Jackson decides to tell her. "Well, like I said earlier, he was a doctor at here. A plastics surgeon. He was my mentor."

She furrows her eyebrows. "Was?" Then her eyes widen in realization. "Oh."

"Yeah," his voice is bleak.

Stephanie turns to him and holds on his shoulder comfortingly and confidently. "I'm sorry. You must be very close to him." He hand stays longer than it should.

For the first time, he actually stares at her. He thinks that she's actually beautiful. And then he blames the alcohol for that thought. He shakes his head a little, clearing his head. She finally brings down her hand.

"You know, most of the time, back then, Sloan would unknowingly remind me why I do this job in the first place, since there are so many times I questioned my decisions. If I'm actually cut out for the job, that it's not just the Avery in my name that brings up to the next level. He has this thing, as if he actually sees what I'm actually capable of, even I myself haven't seen that yet." He sighs and sips his drink.

"I've always wanted to be a doctor." Stephanie blurts out.

"How so?"

"It's just how it is. I want to succeed in what I'm great at and I've always been great in science."

He laughs at that and she joins him.

After a moment, their laughs falter. She downs her beer and asks for another one.

"But it's not always about that," she twirls her bottle absentmindedly, "succeeding. I've always been competitive in advancing in this career but at the end of the day, the most important part of the job is saving lives. Not the income or the experience or level at work."

He nods. "That is true."

"You're an amazing doctor, you know." She looks at him directly in the eye. "You're an amazing doctor and teacher. I really am learning a lot from you."

Jackson couldn't explain what is about Stephanie but he sees her in a different light all of a sudden.

He takes a deep breath. _You can't go there_, he thinks. _You're nothing like Karev._

She just smiles at him.

•••

He drives her home that night. When they reached her house, he offers to walk her up. They walk in silence, but this time, it's the comfortable kind.

"Well," she says as they reach her doorstep, "that was fun."

"Surprisingly fun." He corrects her, she laughs. "I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Right." She nods. "At work."

He smiles at her. Then, all of a sudden, she kisses him but abruptly pulls away. She's clearly embarrassed by her straightforwardness.

"Oh, my god, I should not have done that –"

But Jackson, surprised also, but pushes all thoughts away from his head and kisses her again.

•••

Author's Note: Since I don't know the real shit when it comes to medicine, I can't exactly draw the perfect case scenario for Annie Baxter, why she's in the hospital and under Jackson's care and for that I am very sorry. Not one of you is madder than me for my lack of medical information that compromises my vision for the story.


	3. December 4, 2012

April and Alex are in the OR hallway, washing their hands just after scrubbing in on a surgery with Shepherd.

"Can you do post-ops today? I gotta run and do a—" Alex asks but April cuts him off.

"No."

"Kepner, I really need—"

"I said no, Karev. What part of that you don't understand?"

Her voice is hard and sharp, which is very unusual.

Alex scoffs as he wipes his hands with a towel. "I'm asking for a favor. Nicely, even. What the hell's wrong with you?"

"I'm just—"

"PMS-ing?" He scoffs again. "It's bogus how you chicks can get a free pass on being horribly unbearable bitches once a month, I'd say."

April rolls her eyes as she slams the trash close loudly. She's been feeling very irritated today about everything around her and she doesn't even know why. And Alex is not helping.

"I'm not—"

It's true. She is not PMS-ing, considering it's not that time of the month yet. She's about to retort something but something in her mind draws her back.

Or maybe...

She takes a deep breath.

"Alex, what's the date today?"

She grips the edge of the table beside her as she waits for him to answer, who is now texting on his phone.

"Dunno." He mumbles as he concentrates on the small device.

She clenches her jaw. "You're holding a damn phone with a damn date on it so answer the damn question before I freaking flip out!"

Alex stares at her. She couldn't blame him. Hell, she is surprised herself. He eyes her suspiciously before glances down on his phone.

"It's the 4th. God, Kepner, get your crap together."

Then he walks out.

April, however, stays put, grounded on the floor. It's the 4th. So many days had blurred by that she lost track of it. She knows she was late before and had a pregnancy scare, which resulted to her and Jackson's breaking up. But she got so caught up with the breaking up that her being late drifted off of her mind. She is so caught up with other things that she didn't notice the changes in her own body. And to think that she was a doctor, for God's sake.

But she had the blood test. She didn't understand. A blood test is more accurate than a pregnancy test.

"This cannot be happening." She whispers to herself.

•••

After going home to fish out the old blood test result from her desk drawer, April drives back to the hospital. She dumps the paper on the counter separating her with the guy working with the lab tests. She's wearing a har look on her face.

The guy stares at her in question.

"You people screwed up." She snaps at them.

"Excuse me?" He asks her bluntly.

She pushes the paper to him.

"I—" she saw Meredith walking by and abruptly changes her words "– my, my patient tested for pregnancy and resulted to negative weeks ago. And yet, no sign of—she's still late. What's up with that?"

The guy opens the paper and looks through it. He furrows his eyebrows and the smirks. He looks up. "It has your name on it, Dr. Kepner."

April glares at him before speaking in a low voice. "Alright, fine, it's mine. Now, can you shut the hell up about it?"

He laughs. "Fine, fine."

He looks through the paper again and lets out a sound of recognition.

April raises her eyebrows, her voice back to normal. "Well? Explain yourself."

"We had a mix up of results weeks ago."

He looks up at her. He shrugs. "New guy screwed up."

April scoffs. "Well, where's the correct result?"

The guy holds up a finger and turns around, walks to the back room. He comes back seconds later.

"Sorry, bro, we need to do the test again. And we promise to give you accurate results from here on out."

He smiles at April, but it only earns him yet another scoff.

She digs out her own blood from the pocket of her lab coat – she actually thought to take the test again, just to be sure. She slams it on the counter.

"Get it together 'cause someone's bound to end up dead with all-all your mixing up of results." She snaps at him.

He only holds up the blood and smirks. "It happened once, it won't happen again." Then he eyes April. He adds shamelessly, "And having a baby's not that bad, doc."

April widens her eyes and looks around if anyone heard. No one did. She glares at him and fists his collar.

"You keep your mouth zipped about this or I'll blab to the chief instead about your mixing up of results. I'm sure that has some kind of punishment—"

Callie walks by them. "Kepner, take it outside."

April lets go. "I'll be back by the end of the day."

And then she walks away.

•••

She's walking to the nurses' station to retrieve the chart of her patient that day when she sees Jackson there, talking very closely with Stephanie. She's not really sure if she should talk to anyone about her possible pregnancy. When the two notice her, Jackson cuts the conversation short. Stephanie walks away and he looks at April, who gives him a little smile.

"Hey," he greets her, but his voice cracks a little.

She looks past it. "Hey." Then she looks down on the chart she's holding.

"Any, uh, interesting cases for you today?"

Still not looking up, she answers. "No."

But inside her head, she has a dilemma of having to tell him or not about her problem.

Before she could draw an answer, Jackson says, "Well, I'm gonna go. Later."

Then he walks away.

She sighs as she watches him go.

•••

That night, when it's supposed to be the end of her shift, she braves the cold December air – with nothing but her lab coat to warm her up – and leans on the side of the hospital, where it's completely deserted. Taking a deep breath and closing her eyes, she opens the folded paper in her hands. Taking another deep breath, she opens her eyes and reads. She tightens her jaw, willing herself not to cry. She closes her eyes again forcefully this time, as if with closed eyelids, no tears will fall.

Now, what is she going to do?


	4. December 5, 2012

December 5, 2012

"I should be doing…rounds."

Jackson mumbles against Stephanie's lips as he kisses her in an on-call room.

"I'm with Grey today." She laughs a little, her finger slipping under his collar, feeling his skin beneath. He moves to kissing her neck. "Medusa's gonna be so mad."

He laughs as he pulls away. "Okay, maybe we should go back to work."

She groans. "Fine." She lets him pull her up from the bed. He leaves first, turning to the opposite direction of where she's supposed to be going.

•••

After Jackson's rounds, he goes to the nearest nurses' station, where he sees April. She's pretty busy with her own paperwork. He stops abruptly. He hasn't told her yet about Stephanie. He should tell her. He walks over to her.

"April,"

She is startled by the voice. She hasn't expected him too early. All she could think about is that she's pregnant. _And he's the father._

Not being able to meet his eyes, she asks, "Yes?"

Her fingers slightly shake as she looked through some papers so she lets them go and balled up her fist so he wouldn't notice. She finally meets his eyes.

"I need to tell you something."

"Me, too." She blurts out, then quickly regrets it.

"Really?" He takes a deep breath. "Okay, well—"

"Dr. Avery?" Leah Murphy calls.

Jackson purses his lips as he turns around to face the intern.

"What?"

"Miss Harrison, the wife of the patient, is asking for you."

Jackson takes a deep breath. "I will be right there."

Leah nods before turning away.

He faces April again, who took the opportunity to turn back to her work.

She says before he could even open his mouth, "You go."

He nods his head, "But I will talk to you later."

When he's gone, she looks up from the paperwork she can't even focus on. She sighs. She needs to tell him about this.

•••

April steers clear of everyone that day. She focuses on working alone and, by all means, avoiding Jackson. She admits she needs to tell him but she needs more time to accept this truth.

After a long surgery, it's late afternoon. She grabs a coffee and decides to take the stairs instead. She walks up the steps but decides to stop. She sits down on the step, finally finding solitude and solace in the empty stairwell. She sips her coffee as her mind drifts.

She thinks about having this baby. She imagines a boy. Another Jackson. Jackson himself would be there for her. He will give her what he promised her when they first thought about her being pregnant: a marriage. They'll have the wedding she'd always dreamed of. They'll have the perfect house they'll grow old in. Their kid will be the spitting image of his father, inside and out. But will probably have her eyes. She smiles at that fantasy. She realizes that that's what she wants. That life. With Jackson.

Smiling and feeling determined, she stands up and goes off the find Jackson.

She finds Jackson in the OR hallway. Right then and there, she realizes that she'll have to tell him later, being that he looks like he will be scrubbing in.

"Jackson."

He turns around. "April, what…?"

She walks over to him. "I—"

Her pager beeps. She purses her lips before continuing onto what she's about to say. "I have to talk to you later."

"I thought we've established that earlier—"

"You don't understand, I _have_ to talk to you."

Her pager beeps again. She sighs. "Later, okay? This is important."

"Okay."

She smiles a little before looking down on her pager and running off to the ER.

•••

That night, April waits for Jackson at the deserted bridge inside the hospital. Her elbows are leaning on the railings as she stared out at the massive window, granted that she doesn't see much except for a few streetlights outside. She's lost in thought anyway. A part of her is hopeful that this could be the start of a lifetime of happiness with Jackson or he could be not interested with her anymore and will want nothing to do with this. Either one's case is so far from the other.

Soon, Jackson is walking towards her. She smiles at him. "Hi," she greets him.

"Hey," he says. He copies her position on the railings, not yet meeting her eyes.

"So—" she starts at the same time as he says, "April—"

They both stop. She laughs a little, a nervous one. "You should go first."

"Nah, you should. My news is a little…" He cocks his head on both sides, considering what he's gonna say.

"Well, mine's a lot, so." She says.

"Okay, then." He takes a deep breath. They turn to each other. "April, I've been kind of, um…"

She looks at him, biting her lower lip. Whatever he say can't be that big of a deal, she thinks.

"…sleeping with Stephanie." He waits for her reaction, but she just stares at him with her eyebrows raised and and lips parted a little.

April feels like something suddenly pulled her down from the ground she's standing on. She could feel her knees turning into jelly and giving up. She holds onto the railing, as if it would actually hold her up.

"Oh," she mumbles as she averts his stare and looks down on her feet. She could feel her eyes water and she quickly closes them to cover it up.

Jackson stares at her. "You have to hear it from myself firsthand, rather than from someone else."

_Pull yourself to together. _Taking a deep breath, she looks up. She musters up a smile. "It's fine, Jackson."

"I just…"

"It's fine, really." She bites her lip before continuing. "I shouldn't be _not_ fine with it, right?"

He nods. "Right."

"Yeah."

"So, your turn."

"What?" Her eyes widen.

"Your turn to tell me whatever it is you were going to tell me."

She stares at him. She can't tell him now. She _can't_. Instead, she blurts out, "It doesn't matter now."

"What?" He furrows his eyebrows.

"Forget about it—um, yeah, it doesn't matter now."

"April," he looks at her.

She hates that look. She saw that when she failed her boards and when she told him that Hunt fired her. He's feeling sorry for her. She _hates_ that.

"I said drop it, Jackson." Her voice is sharper now, harsh.

He is taken aback by it. She sighs.

"I have to go." She says. "But…thank you, for telling me about Stephanie."

He nods as she walks away without another word.


	5. December 13, 2012

April is leaning on the rails of the empty stairwell. She sighs and looks at her watch. It reads 3:40 am. She closes her eyes and sighs again.

She's been working nonstop for almost 24 hours now with the exception of quick snacks in the cafeteria—which she threw up afterwards but no sleep. In fact, this is the first time she has the time to herself. She's been in the ER all day and night, if not in the OR. She is also avoiding everyone, if not work related. She finds being lost in her mountain of work is far more appealing than getting lost in her thoughts. Because being lost in her thoughts means filling her mind with the facts that she's pregnant, that the only guy she ever had sex with has no idea and is seeing someone else and that her future is nothing more than one big blur. She's a trauma surgeon. That meant long hours, lots of pressure and very little time to rest.

Suddenly realizing that she's doing what she banned herself to do all day and she shakes her head and pushes herself off the railings, goes down the stairs and opens the door to the hall. She finds the place deserted, save for Bailey sitting at the nurse station, working by the computer. She walks over there.

"Hey, you got anything for me?" She asks.

Bailey stares up at her. "You've been here since early morning yesterday."

April shrugs. "I'm fine."

Bailey shakes her head. "Go home, Kepner."

"You're one to talk. You've been here since yesterday, too. Why don't you go home?"

Bailey narrows her eyes a little. "Because I just had my sleep in the on-call room and my son is with his father, so really, I have nothing to go home to."

"You and me both." April took a deep breath.

"Kepner—"

"I said I'm fine, so drop it." April snaps harshly.

Bailey sighs. She rarely sees her snap at people and she sees the problem.

"Lack of sleep makes people cranky, but if you insist."

She takes a chart at the table and passes it to April.

"This kid needs a CT scan and some lab tests."

April scoffs. "That's an intern's job."

"You take what you can get. It's either that or go home, Kepner." Bailey snaps.

April sighs. "Might as well."

Bailey eyes her suspiciously. "What's up with you?"

April is reading the chart and when she responds, she didn't even look up.

"Nothing's up, Dr. Bailey." She brushes her hair away from her face. "I'm just a doctor being a good doctor."

"You've been cranky and mean for days, Kepner. And when you're cranky and mean, trust me, everyone notices."

April looks up and scoffs. "What, I can't have some days when I'm feeling a little off?"

"Maybe you should go home then. You see, I know you only go home to shower and get three hours of sleep, at the most. This little phase of yours isn't doing any good." Bailey points to her. "Something's up and I'm gonna find out."

Bailey stands up and walks away.

April just rolls her eyes and looks down on the chart again.

"Good luck with that." She mutters.

•••

April is sitting at the table in the empty attending lounge, her eyes closed. This is the closest she could get to a nap. She just took a shower and sat there, drinking numerous cups of coffee. It is around eight in the morning now and she still hasn't gone home. Mostly because, she'd have rounds later on.

She finally silenced her thoughts and is drifting off to sleep, her head falling to the side slightly when the door slams close and makes her sit upright.

It's Jackson, just coming in looking fresh and ready for work. He furrows his eyebrows down at her. He sets his bag down on the table.

"April. You stayed here all night?" He asks.

April rubs her eyes and looks up at him. And instantly, she remembers her biggest crisis at the moment and the one person she wants to talk to—but can't—is standing in front of her.

"Y-yeah."

She yawns and reachs for her coffee but finds it empty, so she walks to the counter and refills it. She takes a hefty sip and sighs as the warm liquid relax her insides, thankful that her back is turned from Jackson, so he couldn't see right through her, as he always did.

"I've barely seen you all week, which is…weird."

"I've been busy." She mumbles, not even sure if he heard her. She shut her eyes.

Jackson laughs as he sits down at the table. "Funny, even if we're busy, we still talk. We haven't talked in days."

April turns around. She grips her cup as she meets his hopeful stare.

"I have post-ops and rounds, so…"

She starts leaving but he catches her hand. She ignores the wave of shiver down her spine just by that mere contact.

"Are you avoiding me because of Stephanie?"

He actually looks serious and sincere, which reminds her that he's still her best friend. But she couldn't act like everything's okay in front of him because it's so far from that. She pulls away and says the first thing in her mind. Which she instantly regrets.

"Get over yourself, Jackson. It's not always about you."

He's startled because the action is so unlike April. Then he looks hurt, which makes April's heart sink. She bows her head down and walks out of the room.

Once out of Jackson's sight, she turns on a corner and stops. She leans her back on the wall and sighs.

She can't avoid him forever. She knows that. But right now, she just can't face him.


	6. December 14, 2012

First thing in the morning, April is in the bathroom, on her knees by the toilet—a result of morning sickness.

She's tired of this.

After, she brushes her teeth and leaves the bathroom. She navigates through her small studio apartment and to the kitchen. She starts up her coffee maker and sits at the table. She runs her hand in her face and through her tangled hair and sighs.

She looks around her apartment. The TV is still on from last night, her bed from across the room is still unmade, there are multiple half-empty mugs of tea surfacing almost every table and there are clothes everywhere (well, mostly on the carpeted floor). She's been living here for only a few months and yet, she's still not used to being alone.

April grew up in house with a big family. From college to her residency, she's used to roommates. The idea of going home to an empty place every night depresses her even more—if she's not depressed enough with everything that's been going on with her life. She considers having a pet but she won't have time to take care of it. Much less a baby.

She sighs again. She opens her laptop on the table and runs a finger on the finger pad. She sees what she was going through the Internet last night: abortion clinics in Seattle. She purses her lips. She was feeling so alone the previous night and she's so scared of the idea of raising a child on her own. It brought her to a delusion that she's actually willing to abort a child. _A baby_. Jackson's baby.

But as she stares on the telephone number of the agency on the screen, her hand is actually creeping closer to the phone beside the laptop. Should she do this or not?

_No,_ she thinks. _I can't. I_ shouldn't.

Her hand closes on the small device and she dials on the number. She holds it against her ear. Her heart bangs hard against her chest as she listens to the ringing.

"Opal Abortion Clinic, this is Macy."

April opens her mouth but nothing comes out. She couldn't speak.

"Hello?" Macy tries again.

She grips the phone against her ear, still not saying a word.

Macy seems to know what April is feeling since she says softly, "Hey, I know you must be scared, but we can talk about this."

When someone finally has the idea of what April's been going through and is _willing_ to talk about it—albeit a complete stranger, but still—and she can't say a thing. None.

The coffee is done and the machine dings loudly. April is startled and jumps a little from her sit. She instantly pulls the phone down and shuts it off. She buries her face in her hands and sighs. This is pathetic. She's thirty years old, not some teenager who can't face her parents because of pregnancy. She's a trauma doctor. She deals with bigger problems every day. But this—_this_ she can't even deal with.

Shaking her head, she stands up and gets her coffee. Time to face another day.

•••

April is sitting at the table in the attending lounge, tapping her pen on the table, lost in thought.

Cristina comes in and sees her. "You got no patients to kill today?" She jokes as she fetches a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Not today, okay, Cristina?" April snaps as she looks up.

"Huh." Cristina sips her water, but never breaks her stare off of April. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." April says bluntly before standing and leaving the room, leaving Cristina completely confused.

When April leaves the room, she just remembers that Cristina may just know and understand what she's going through. Before she could go back to the lounge, her pager beeps.

•••

After her surgery, April is standing by the nurse station. She's holding her uneaten apple—her lunch. Her other hand is holding her phone. She staring at the number of the clinic. Her thumb hovers over the 'call' button but never actually pressing.

Sighing, she locks her phone pockets it. Looking up, she sees Jackson walking by. He looks serious and driven—probably on his way to surgery or he just got out of it. She imagines him out of her life but she has a small person that would remind her everything about him. Her throat tightens; she can't live like that for the rest of her life. It'll break her. Or what's left of her.

She touches her belly. Shaking her head, she drops her hand. She decides to go off and find Cristina.

April finds her at the nurse station in the ICU.

"What is it, Kepner?" Cristina asks as she looks through the chart she's holding.

"So, I need to ask you something." April starts.

"And?"

"And it's not for me, let's just clear that. It's not for me. It's for a patient of mine. She's a teenager and terrified out of her mind…" She rambles on the lie she built as she walked to the ICU.

"Whatever, spit it out. I don't have all day." Cristina says.

April takes a deep breath. "So you had an…abortion, right?"

Now, Cristina looks up. Her eyes narrow at April, who unearthed some of her worst memories. "This better be going somewhere, Kepner."

"The patient…she just wants to know…how does a person do it? Get an abortion?"

Cristina rolls her eyes. "You're a doctor, for God's sake, why don't you tell her the play-by-play?

"No, not that." April tells her, feeling frustrated. "It's…HOW can you do it? How—"

Cristina rolls her eyes. "If you're about to preach on me the proper ways of being a Christian, save it, I'm Jewish."

"Cristina! Will you be serious for a few damn seconds?" April exclaims.

The other doctor sighs. "Fine."

"How can someone just do that? Take a life?"

Cristina groans. "God, Kepner, is she dense or what?"

Now, April's pissed off. "Forget it." She walks away.

•••

That night, April is sitting on a bench outside the hospital. She tightens the belt of her coat as she shivers. She's suppose to go home now, but she can't find the strength to do it. She'd rather stay here in the hospital.

Cristina walks out and sees April. Sighing, she makes her way towards her. She stops in front of April.

"I'm not in the mood, Cristina."

"I didn't want kids. Not now, not ever." Cristina says. "That's what got me through the whole thing. I'd rather have the painful part done then than have it slowly, little by little, for the rest of my life. Starting from cutting back my long hours to stay at home and giving up surgeries to take the kid to school. To neglecting the kid because I have a heart surgery and missing the graduation or wedding or whatever just so I could save another person's life. I'd rather not have the baby than have a person that has half of my life hate me for who I am and what I do."

April doesn't say a thing but just nods in understanding.

"So, you tell that teenager that it doesn't matter what other people say about the abortion and killing another person's life. She should think about the baby's life if she has it. Because when it comes to thinking about her life and the baby's? Nothing else matters."

April stares at her before saying, "Thank you."

Cristina just nods and walks away.

April sighs. She doesn't want a baby now. Someday, yes. But NOT today. She thinks about having the baby alone. Without a father at home with him or her. She thinks about her attention only half for the baby because the other half is on work. A baby shouldn't live like that.

And she's _not_ ready. She can't have a baby now. She's not ready to take care another person's life when she can't even settle her own properly.

She can't do this right now.

So she takes out her phone and re-dials the abortion clinic.

"I would like to arrange an appointment."

•••

Author's Note: I know that April considering aborting the baby is out of character—being that she has a strong faith in God—but, as she pointed out on the night before the boards, she's not the same person anymore. She's no longer following these "rules" that she set up for herself. She's more open-minded now. And I'd like her to live up to that. Oh, and that re-virginizing thing? It's just bullshit. I'm just saying.


	7. December 15, 2012

"I want you to prep Mr. Carter. You're scrubbing in."

Jackson tells Stephanie as he writes on a chart at the nurse station.

April walks to the counter and sees the two talk. She purses her lips and averts her stare to the chart she's holding.

Stephanie grins. "You just said you want me." She whispers.

He looks up, raising his eyebrows. "Go." He orders her, trying to be professional, despite the grin on his face.

Stephanie just laughs as she walks away. Jackson shakes his head as he continues on to his work. After, he looks up and sees April. He walks over to her.

"Hey," he greets her.

"Hi," she replies nonchalantly, not even looking up.

He feels awkward by her indifferent reply. He takes a deep breath. "So, how are you?"

"Jackson, we just saw each other the other day."

"You mean, when you snapped at me?" He raises an eyebrow.

She stops writing. She licks her lips before looking up. Without meaning to, she softens. "I'm sorry about that."

He gives her a small smile. "You were having an off-day. That's completely understandable."

She stares at him. It's that look on his face again, and the voice that convinces her that everything is actually okay, even if it's not. For that, she wants to pull him close to her so badly. But she can't think about that, not anymore. She grips the pen in her hand and purses her lips. "For what it's worth, I actually felt bad, so."

He chuckles. "So, how_ are_ you?"

"Fine." She shrugs.

He gives her a look. "Come on, April. I've known you enough to know when something's not right."

"I said I'm fine, Jackson. That's it."

He sighs. "Okay."

She sighs also and continues writing. "How about you, how are you doing?"

"I am great." He smiles. "Things with Stephanie are actually doing great."

Now, April regrets asking that question.

Shane Ross walks over to April. "Dr. Kepner?"

April sighs in relief for that save. She turns to the intern. "Yeah?"

"I'm supposed to be at your service today."

"Right!" She nods. "Let's go."

She gives Jackson a last look before walking away with Shane behind her.

•••

April gets a page to the ER. A crying baby is brought into the trauma room. Her lips parts in shock before walking over to the gurney and check the heartbeat.

The female paramedic starts on the baby's vitals.

"And the parents?" April asks as she turns to one of the nurses. "Page peds."

The paramedic says to April, "Dr. Kepner, we found her on the side of the highway. Alone."

April looks up in shock. "What?" She demands.

Arizona comes into the trauma room. "Alright, what do have here?" She asks as she puts on a pair of gloves.

April turns to her when he sees the baby. Arizona shakes her head, as if she already knows what happened the baby.

•••

After the surgery, April stands by the baby, just staring at her.

Arizona sees April and walks over to her, checking the baby's vitals.

"Still a Jane Doe?" April asks her, still watching the baby.

Arizona sighs. "Yeah."

April shakes her head. "How could someone just leave a baby on the side of the highway? How can someone be that cruel to an innocent little person?"

"I don't know. People make rash decisions, thinking it's for the better when clearly, it's not not."

April turns silent as she continued to watch the baby.

Shane Ross walks over to them. "Dr. Robbins?"

Arizona turns to him.

"They need you in OR 2."

She nods, squeezes April's shoulder and follows Shane out of the room.

April stays there until her shift ends. One of the nurses even gave her a chair. She just watches the baby, her mind lost in thought.

Eventually, Arizona comes back in. "Dr. Kepner? You're planning to stay here all night?"

April meets her eyes. She shrugs. "Maybe."

Arizona shakes her head. "You should go home. As much as I hate to admit it, there's nothing we can do but wait for the social services."

April sighs. She nods and stands up. She takes one last look at the baby. She's just sleeping, looking so peaceful. "I don't think I could do that to a baby. Abandon. It would be like outright killing it. I could never do that. I will never live that down." She mumbles, more to herself.

But Arizona hears her. "That's 'cause you're a good person, April."

"I hope she finds a family who will actually want her."

Arizona pats her shoulder. "She will. You just have to take that up on faith."

April gives her a small smile. "I'll see you, Dr. Robbins." Then she leaves the room.

When she enters the lounge, she's surprised to find it empty. She uses that advantage to do what she has to do. She sits on the couch and takes out her phone from her pocket and dials. She holds it against her ear as it rings.

"Hi, I'm April Kepner and I would like to cancel my appointment for next week."


	8. December 17, 2012

April is standing by the nurse station, tapping her finger impatiently on the counter. She checks her watch then looks up again.

Finally, Heather Brooks turns on a corner and walks over to her. But when she sees April's hard expression, she breaks into a run towards her.

"I'm really sorry, Dr. Kepner—"

"I asked for the results an hour ago," April snaps as she snatches the folder in the terrified intern's hand.

Alex and Cristina is standing on the other side of the nurse station. Their heads turn on the pissed-off April. Their eyebrows raise at the unusual scene.

"The lab is pretty swamped and—" Heather tries to explain, but April cuts her off.

"Oh, yeah, the lab's swamped." She agrees sarcastically. "So if the patient dies just because we didn't get the results at the time we were supposed to, you go tell the family that. Maybe they'll understand."

"Again, I am _so_ sorry, Dr. Kepner. It won't happen again—"

"Save it, Brooks. If you can't be proficient with time management, how can you call yourself a proficient doctor?"

She shakes her head and walks away, reading the chart.

Alex lets out a laugh as he walks away. Cristina shakes her head and laughs also as she turns back to the chart she's writing on.

•••

April joins the other attendings outside of the ER as they await an ambulance. Meredith, Bailey and Alex are there.

Meredith eyes April. "You look terrible, April."

April glares at her as Alex snickers at the comment. Meredith rolls her eyes and slaps Alex at the chest. She turns back to April.

"I meant, when was the last time you slept?"

"I could ask the same thing." Bailey raises an eyebrow expectantly.

April groans. "I'm fine, Dr. Bailey. I'm not gonna say it again."

"You know, I'm liking the new you." Alex says.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You don't talk much anymore—which is a nice change—and when you do, you're snapping at people. You have that permanent scowl on you face and you actually yell at interns now. You're no rainbows and unicorns anymore, Kepner. Hands down. I mean it." He nods at her approvingly.

"Gee, thanks." April mutters.

Meredith laughs while Bailey rolls her eyes.

•••

Cristina and Meredith are sitting at the cafeteria, eating their lunches. Jackson soon joins them. The two girls are talking about something and he didn't bother to listen.

As he bites into his apple, he sees April walking across the room. She unwraps her sandwich, bites into it once and then stops. Jackson looks confused as he watches her. April claps her hand to her mouth, threw the sandwich at a nearby trash can and runs away from the room.

Jackson turns to the two people at the table, cutting them off of their conversation.

"Something's wrong with April."

Cristina raises her eyebrows. "And your point?"

Jackson glares at her. "My point is something's not right. She's not herself lately."

"So?" She shrugs. "I like it."

"Yang—"

Meredith cuts in. "Jackson's right. She has a problem and she's not saying anything to anyone."

"Again, I like it. She's more focus and driven to her work, which she should be since she failed her boards." Cristina says before pausing to sip her coffee. She continues, "And I haven't heard that deafening, happy, squeaky voice of hers in weeks, which I'm very thankful for."

"But she's become this anti-social robot. She barely sleeps or eat…" Jackson says.

Meredith adds, "Not to mention, all the throwing up. Everyone notices that."

"Yeah…she said it was from food poisoning, but that was weeks ago." Jackson says.

"So everything around her makes her feel nauseous. That's exactly how I feel, except with a stronger stomach." Cristina counters. She laughs a little, saying, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's pregnant."

She eyes Jackson suspiciously.

Jackson shakes his head. "Can't be. She had a blood test—not pregnant."

"Ooh, you had a pregnancy scare?" Cristina grimaces.

Meredith chews on her salad before speaking. "Well, if she's not pregnant, then it's gotta be something else."

They fall silent until Cristina gets a page and looks down at it as she speaks.

"Let her be. If this is the new her, then accept it."

"But she could be sick or something." Meredith says with traces of worry in her voice.

"Mer, if you're scared that she's gonna end up like Izzie, then talk to her."

And with that, Cristina leaves.

"Who's Izzie again?" Jackson asks.

"A former resident here. She got cancer and—"

Jackson narrows his eyes. "That's not making me feel better."

Meredith rolls her eyes. "Relax. She didn't die but she got fired."

He stares at her for a second before saying, "Still not making me feel better."

She just shrugs and continues eating.


	9. December 19, 2012

Jackson sips his coffee as he walks to the nurse station. He nods at Cristina and Callie standing there and grabs the chart a nurse gives him. As he sets his coffee down on the counter and opens his chart, he furrows his eyebrows when he hears Cristina laugh.

He asks, "What is going on?"

"My new favorite show." She answers, grinning.

He turns to the direction Cristina has been watching and there, he sees at the far end of the hall: April, arms crossed and saying things in a really fast way and Jo Wilson looking very scared.

"Wilson looks like she's gonna cry." Cristina says to Callie, who's laughing also.

"Who knew Kepner had it in her to be quite the terror? It's not even ten o'clock and she's all fired up!" Callie comments as she gathers her charts and leaves, shaking her head.

Jackson turns to Cristina, who went back to work on the computer in front of her. "How long has April been going on like this?"

She shrugs. "Don't know." She doesn't say anything more, which ends the conversation.

Jackson just sighs and turns back but April and Jo are no longer there. So he continues on to his rounds and walks away.

•••

April is in the trauma room, treating to a 48-year-old woman who is fighting off the gurney. April forcefully pushes her down.

"Ma'am, just let me treat you—"

"I need to see my son—" The patient says in a distressed way and tries to sit up again but April pushed her down.

"Ma'am—"

The other nurses and paramedics are all trying to push her down but she still won't budge.

"I don't need some help, I just need to—let me go!"

"I am trying to do my job here—"

April loses her patience and pushes her more forcefully this time. She shouts before she could think it through, "If you could just lie the hell down and let me goddamn treat maybe you'd actually have the time to see your son or else you're gonna die! Do you wanna freaking die?

Bailey stands at the doorway, appalled. "Kepner! What in the—"

"Bailey, I am busy right now—"

Bailey narrows her eyes dangerously and walks over to April and pushes her away from the patient.

"What the hell?!" April shouts.

Bailey points to her sternly. "You are gonna stay away from this room now."

Bailey turns to the patient, who is now unconscious, stating off orders to the people there. But she could still feel April standing there.

"Go, Kepner! Get yourself together! I'm not gonna tell you again!"

April, furious, storms off the room.

•••

That night, April enters the empty elevator and leans against the steel wall. Without her noticing, Bailey follows her there right before the doors close. April draws a breath as she anticipates another round of pestering.

As expected, Bailey eyes her before pressing the button that halts the elevator. April grows nervous because she's actually claustrophobic.

"Dr. Bailey…" She says nervously.

"Kepner, I just got out of a long, invasive surgery. I am tired and pissed off." Bailey glares at her before continuing. "What is wrong with you? I wanna know and I wanna know now."

April swallows hard, her eyes wide. Her heart start: beating really fast as she feels like the walls are closing in on her.

Bailey goes on. "Your work ethics are unbearable. You yell at every intern that comes your way. Your judgements are clouded because you lack sleep and food in your system. You're getting sloppy and dumb and irresponsible—"

But April is not even listening as she turns around her leans her forehead on the wall. Her hands presses against her face and she takes several deep breaths, trying to calm herself.

"Either you pull yourself together or I'm gonna make you. Because, I swear to God, if you kill a patient because of this—"

April turns back around and is about to press the button but Bailey stands in front of her.

"Damn it, Kepner—"

"Bailey, I am really—"

She takes a deep breath turns around to face the wall again.

Bailey continues on, her voice getting really sharp, anger clear in it. "We're not leaving this—"

April snaps out of it and turns back to her, words spilling out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"I'm pregnant, okay? I'm pregnant. I'm h-having a baby and-and I'm nowhere near ready. I don't know if I should have it and get behind work and fail my boards again or-or have an abortion and live my life forever with the guilt eating me up because I killed a child."

She takes a deep breath.

"I'm pregnant and I have no idea what to do."

Bailey just stares at her, speechless. April takes the advantage of her stillness to go behind her and presses pulls the button.

Jackson, who is too exhausted because of the day's work and very little time to rest the night before, presses the elevator button and rubs his eye and yawns.

The doors open and April quickly makes her way outside, only to bump into Jackson, of all people.

He holds her at arms length, laughing a little as he steadies her.

"April—"

He notices how tears are threatening to fall from her eyes and he cups her cheeks but she pulls away from him. She runs and turns on the corner, finally out of sight. He is gonna run after her when he feels a hand grab his arm. He turns around and sees Bailey.

"Dr. Bailey—"

But she just shakes her head.

"Just let her be. I mean it, Avery."

•••

In the dim stairwell, April sits on the steps with her forehead on her knees. Her fingers dig into her hair and laces against the back of her head out of frustration. She tried to cry again, just to let out some things out of her, but not a single drop of tear falls. She is done crying.

She has a fetus inside of her, which she haven't decided if she even wanted it. The guy who got her pregnant, the only guy who made her feel things that she hadn't even thought of feeling—not just the sex but with also the little things like when he touches her or act all sweet or so much as meet her stare—is done with her and is with someone else. And Bailey found out. And soon everybody will.

She groans. She's a failure. She failed her boards. She got knocked up out of wedlock. She lost her virginity to the guy she's never gonna marry. She got fired. Twice, in fact. Hunt gave her another shot—the last shot for her career to take hold and she failed.

Reed—one of the very few people who really understood April—would know what to say to her, as she always did. But she's not here and never will be so April had accepted that she's completely alone in this.

She didn't know how long she's been staying there, but she knows it's been long enough.

The walk back to the lounge is long. Well, because she is walking so slow. She passes by the nurse station and hears Cristina call for her but she just buries her hands in the pockets of her lab coat and keeps walking, as if she hadn't notice. But she did hear Cristina's loud complaint.

"Great, she ignores people now, too. You just lost yourself a kick ass surgery, Kepner!"

But April ignores her. What's the point? She didn't feel like a surgeon right now anyway.

When she enters the lounge, she finds Jackson inside, sleeping on the couch. She stares at him from across the room. She couldn't bring herself to even go near him. Instead, she brings her attention to her bag, which is sitting on the table. Confused because that is not where she left it this morning, she walks over to it and she finds a note beside it.

'Go home' it says. There's only one person in her mind who would do this. And this time, she's taking the advise. Because she knew, Bailey's right.

Looking at Jackson's sleeping figure again, she sighs. She'll have to tell him soon. She needs to face the fact that she's may be in needing of his help, his support in this.

But not today, she thinks, as she walks to the bathroom to change to the clothes she'd wear on her way home.


	10. December 20, 2012

"Alright, everyone, back to work!" Owens tells the surgical staff.

As everyone are about to leave, Bailey stands up.

"People, rehearsal dinner tonight. Anyone who didn't have a dying person right in front of them and is late will not be having dessert." She evil-eyes everyone.

Derek nods seriously. "Seven sharp, got it, Bailey."

Meredith laughs. "Yes, yes, we'll be there. We don't want to miss dessert."

Bailey rolls her eyes. "Yeah, yeah, you'll regret being all sarcastic when the plate is shoved right in front of you, alright."

Everyone is leaving and one of them is April. Bailey catches her so she could stay put.

"Yes?" April asks.

Bailey closes the door once they are alone and turns to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Of course, April knows what she is talking about.

"I don't know, would you back off if I say no?" She crosses her arms as she talks.

Bailey looks at her patiently. She now understands why she is acting so different now.

"Does Avery know? Does anyone?"

April sighs. She makes her way to the door but Bailey blocks her.

"I have rounds."

"Kepner."

April groans. "I. Don't. Wanna. Talk."

"I'm just concerned. As far as Nazis go, I'm the one with a heart."

April scoffs. "You're no Nazi anymore, BCB."

"That doesn't mean—"

"Look, why don't you focus on your happiness, hmm? At least one of us gets to experience it, right?"

Bailey gives her a look. "You will be happy. You just have to get past this—"

"I'm done, Dr. Bailey." April holds her hands up. "I only told you because I'm claustrophobic and you were all but outright killing me in that elevator. It spilled before I could even stop them."

She pushes past Bailey and then leaves the room. Bailey calls out a few words.

"You better show up tonight, Kepner!"

When she gets outside, she meets Jackson's stare. He's holding an opened chart by the nurse station right across from where she is standing. He closes the chart and is putting his pen in his breast pocket as he walks over to her.

April, on the other hand, is completely still. She is debating in her head if she should tell him now or not. And when he reaches her, he smiles.

"Hi."

April swallows. "Hey."

She shyly runs her hand through her hair away from her face, which falls back to its place the second she drops her hand. Jackson laughs at that. He knows how soft her hair is.

"So, you're ready to talk?" He asks.

April's eyes widens. "W-what?"

Jackson shrugs. "It feels like you had a lot going on and I want you to know that I'm here, as always. I just assumed you weren't ready before but you may be now…"

April shakes her head. "I'm fine. Really, Jackson."

She awkwardly pats his shoulder before walking away.

•••

April shows up in the lounge looking all frantic. She finds Alex there alone and is fixing his tie.

"What held you up?" He asks.

April takes her bag out from the cabinet and is digging in it as she talks.

"Surgery ran late." She answers. "What about you

"Had to watch over this kid with mets in his lung." Alex is walking towards the door now.

"Wait!" April calls and stares up at him, her make-up bag in her hand.

Alex turns. "What?"

"Wait for me."

April walks toward her dress, which is on the couch.

"What? No. You can get there on you own."

"I can't, my car's in the shop."

Alex groans as he sits down at the table.

"You better be ready in five minutes, tops." He grumbles.

"Make it ten."

April goes inside the bathroom, her voice is muffled by the door between them. "You'll get your dessert, Karev. Don't get your panties in a twist."

Alex shakes his head at her comment. Man, he's gonna have to get used to this snarky, new April.

•••

The rehearsal dinner is being held at a the groom's friend's lakehouse in rural Washington. The long dinner table that holds the couple's family and close friends is by a large glass window that views the lake. People are chatting all around. Meredith is laughing along with Cristina and Derek, with Zola in her arms. Owen and Richard are talking seriously, listening to no one else. Jackson brought Stephanie along with him. She is drawling on about something he couldn't focus on because he's too busy watching the front door, hoping a certain redhead would finally arrive. It's unusual for April to be late at anything, but based on the changes about her, he couldn't know what to expect anymore.

Bailey, too, is getting anxious because she is trying her best to keep a close eye on the pregnant and distressed April, but of course, that is impossible if she's not in the same room as Bailey.

Bailey walks over to Jackson and smacks the back is his neck. Jackson looks more annoyed than confused as he turns around.

"What the—"

"Where are your two idiotic friends?" Bailey demands. "They're late."

"Which ones? I have a lot of idiotic friends."

Bailey glares at his sarcastic comment before moving on. "Kepner and Karev. Where are they?"

"I don't know. April had a surgery. It probably ran late.

Bailey still looks unsettled.

Jackson sighs and stands up. "Okay, I'll call them." He pulls his phone from his jacket pocket and holds it up for her.

"You better."

Jackson rolls his eyes as he turns to his date.

"I'll be right back."

Then he leaves the noisy room and is out in the hall when he dials, April first. When it didn't work, he tries Alex. Still none. He tries at least three more times each. When no one still answered, he sends them both text messages instead. He puts his phone inside his coat pocket and goes back inside.

And to think that he's really hoping to finally get to talk to April, find out what was going on, she's not even here.

•••

The car broke down in the middle of their long drive. The two are now on the side of the highway. Alex is bent over the opened hood of the car as he examines the damage.

April, on the other hand, is standing a few feet behind him, her arms crossed to keep herself warm and face spelled pissed off.

"You have a crap excuse for a car, Karev." She complains.

"Shut up, Kepner." Alex snaps at her, without even looking up.

April scoffs and continues to pry. "We've been here over an hour."

Alex ignores her.

"First, we were late. Then we got lost. And when we were finally on the right track, your car breaks down. Could this night get any worse?"

Still no response.

"Do you even know what you're doing?"

Alex sighs heavily and looks up at her. "I'm trying to but I'm failing with all the talk you're doing!"

April groans as she takes out her phone from her coat pocket. She's about to try calling again but there's still no signal.

"Still no signal."

She holds it up as she walked around.

"You don't say." Alex comments sarcastically.

April gives up looking for signal, just as Alex does the same when he slams his hood close.

"This is hopeless." She holds her hands up. "And this is your fault."

Alex turns to her. "I didn't make you come."

"You didn't say your car is nothing but a big piece of scrap metal." She counters.

"You know, I'm changing my mind about you. I hate this new you, you're acting like a total bitch. You're worse than before."

April scoffs as she crosses her arms again. "Like I give a crap about what you think about me."

"Fine. You can walk your ass to that dinner." He turns away from her.

April laughs. "As if you can drive yourself there." She mutters.

She turns around and tries to look for signal again as Alex does the same. She sighs.

"Anything?" She asks.

"No." Alex grunts.

April walks farther and is nearing the trees on the side of the dark highway. It's where she finally got a bar of signal.

"I got it!" She exclaims.

Alex runs to her, but as she dialed AAA, her phone began ringing. Her sister, Libby, is calling.

April groans. "Not now."

She hits 'ignore' and she's about to dial again, but Libby calls again. April groans again and answers the phone before turning to Alex beside her.

"You should call triple-A." She tells him.

"What do you think I'm doing?" He asks.

April could hear Libby's voice, though it sounds so distant and different, she could tell that she's feeling frantic. "April? Are you there?"

April furrows her eyebrows. "Libby? Why are you calling?"

"April! Oh, God, I've been calling you for the past hour—"

April tries to explain. "It was hard to get a signal—Libs, what's wrong?"

"Oh, God. Oh, God—"

Growing impatient, she shouts through the phone, "Libby! Pull yourself together! What is wrong?"

Alex looks at April confusedly as he waits for his call to be picked up and she just shakes her head.

"It's Dad." Libbys says.

April's eyes widened. "W-what? Is he—"

"No! But he's in critical condition, he had a heart attack, he's in critical condition, he hasn't even woke up."

April us speechless.

Libby goes on. "He—the doctor said—April, he's on life support. April, are you listening to me?! April—"

After that, her voice through the phone is fuzzy now. April couldn't understand a word she's saying, not that she's listening. This isn't the first time her father had a heart attack but this is different, third time around. He could die.

April didn't even notice that the call is cut. She looks down on her phone, which read no signal.

Alex beside her doesn't notice her distress, as he is busy on the phone, rattling off directions to where they are, but not for long when his own call is cut off, too.

"Hello? Hello?" He looks down on his phone. "Damn it."

He tries to look again for signal, turning briefly to April.

"I could use the help here."

But April ignores him. She is still speechless. Her eyes are getting watery now.

Alex scowls. "What the hell? You're not gonna die, so don't get all weepy and try calling!"

Still no reply.

Alex groans. "Kepner, what the hell's wrong with you? God."

April snaps out of it. She runs her hand through her hair. "I have to get out of here. I-I have to go!"

"You're that hungry? Kepner—"

"You don't understand! I have to go!My dad, he's gonna die—"

Alex looks confused. "What—"

"I have to go!"

"Relax. We'll get you home, just calm down, no one's dying—"

"You don't know that!" April shouts at him. "He had a heart attack—"

Alex sighs. "Old people get heart attacks, it's inevitable. So long as he's in the hospital—"

"He might die! He's-he's not cut out for this. He's not strong—"

"April!" He highers his voice over hers. "You have to calm down."

April starts walking, letting out her cry.

"Wha—where are you going?" Alex catches up with her.

April runs back to the car and starts kicking it and slamming. With all the stress she's been going through for weeks and all the bottled up feelings, she's finally losing it.

"Kepner!"

Alex pulls her and holds onto her shoulders. "Pull yourself together!"

"I-I—" She meets Alex's stare through the blur of her tears.

Alex looks at assuringly. "I'll call a cab or-or whatever. We don't have to go to that dinner and I'll get you to the airport, just calm down."

She shakes her head. "I can't! Everything has gone to shit! My whole future, my whole life! This is my punishment! I lost my faith, I ignored Jesus and now, I'm being punished—"

"April—"

But April just pulls away and turns around. And that's when Alex notices the blood dripping down her legs. His eyes widens. He notices just as April did.

The night certainly got worse, alright.


	11. December 21, 2012

That morning, Jackson is walking down the hall, two coffees in hand and a determined look on his face. He's looking for April and is more than ready to help her out to get back to her old self. This little phase of hers needs to end. Enough is enough.

He already tried paging her, but no response. He reaches the nurse station, sets his two coffees down and takes out his phone to call her. That's when Stephanie shows up beside him.

"Morning." She kisses his cheek before pulling away. "Is this for me?"

Jackson looks up. Stephanie is gesturing to the coffee in her hand. She took April's and is about to take a sip when Jackson takes it from her.

"That's for April." He says and looks down on his phone again when he feels Stephanie's stare. He looks back to her.

"So you get your friend coffee but not your girlfriend?" Stephanie raises her eyebrows in question.

Jackson looks worried. "Uh—well, um, you see, I've been meaning to talk to her," he scratches his chin awkwardly, "'cause she's been acting strange, have-have you noticed that?"

"You mean how she yelled at me and kicked me out of surgery just because I was two minutes late, not even listening that I had a code blue?"

He holds his hands up. "Exactly! She's not like that—"

"Whatever, Jackson." Then she walked away.

"Bummer."

Jackson hears Alex's comment from the other wide of the counter and turns to him.

Jackson just shakes his head. "Have you seen April?"

Alex instantly grows serious. "Uh, no. Not since-not since yesterday."

"Huh." Jackson furrows his eyebrows. "Where were you last night? Bailey was pissed."

"I had to cover a night shift." Then Alex closes the chart he was writing in and walks away.

Jackson looks confused but shrugs it off and just calls April instead, but it leads straight to voicemail.

"April, can we meet?" He asks. "I really need to talk to you. Just…text me or whatever the time you're free. And it's, uh, Jackson…by the way. Right. Okay, bye."

Then he hangs up and walks away, throwing April's untouched coffee in the trash he just passes by.

•••

"April, can we meet?" He asks. "I really need to talk to you. Just…text me or whatever the time you're free. And it's, uh, Jackson…by the way. Right. Okay, bye."

April listens to the voicemail then drops her phone on the floor. She's lying on her couch in her apartment. She pulls down the sleeves of her gray sweatshirt to cover her knuckles and sighs. She hadn't done this in a long time: lie in her couch and plan to do just that all day. She already called Chief Hunt to call in sick, which is the first step. The second is turn off her phone but she can't do that. Her family might call.

The night before, she had a miscarriage. She lost her baby. In a better light, her problem is solved. But she just couldn't see it that way. It feels like such a huge loss and she can't understand why.

But at least, she can relax her mind a little because her father is stable and finally woke up. Libby pestered her into coming home but April couldn't bring herself to go home, not when she have to put up a good mood, to let them think that everything here in Seattle is great. So instead, she just made up some excuse about not being able to get a time off from work.

Apart from the call to Hunt and a few texts from Alex, which she bluntly replied to, she haven't talked to anyone really inside the state really. It feels like she has nothing to say. She knows Alex is doing his best to help her out but having anyone right now is out if the question.

The night before, when he finally got a signal, he called a cab and brought her home. The hospital can't do anything about it. She just had a miscarriage. Nothing else is at stake. Except for how she is feeling about it. She's ashamed and guilty for seeing as being pregnant punishment and when she lost it, it's unbearable.

She said that Jackson doesn't know and that he never will, and that made Alex drop all questions. Which she was very grateful for. But all the texting and calling had to stop.

Her phone rings again and when she reaches for it, she sees Dr. Bailey. She hits 'ignore'. But Bailey calls again. Sighing, she picks it up.

"Dr. Bailey, I'm sorry, I didn't make it last night. Surgery ran late and, you know, whatever."

April's about to hang up but she didn't want to piss (or rather, even more) Bailey on the day of her own wedding.

"Are you even gonna show up tonight? You know, my wedding?" Bailey demands.

"Dr. Bailey—"

"Are you?" Her voice rises.

April doesn't answer.

"Look, I know you're going through a lot right now but since you don't want anyone to know, you have to act like everything's fine."

"Everything's not fine." April is about to cry again. She's sick of this.

Bailey sighs. "I know. I just want to check on you, make sure you're okay. And I won't be sure if I don't see you."

April shuts her eyes to think straight, but couldn't. She appreciates how Bailey's all mother-y to her and all, but it only makes her feel more guilty. And she's really not up for some fun tonight.

She puts up her normal voice. "Dr. Bailey, there's this huge trauma that just came in, I gotta—"

"But are you coming?"

"I—we'll see, okay? I gotta go."

Then she hangs up.

•••

Alex is sitting in the cafeteria alone, eating some chips as he reads April's text message.

_I'm fine so stop calling. I'm just not ready to talk about it._

Alex shakes his head. The girl was pregnant and just had a miscarriage and no one else knows about it.

Unknown to Alex, Jackson is holding his tray of food while reading over his shoulder.

"Why is April texting you?" Jackson asks.

Startled, Alex immediately brings his phone down and shuts it off. He glares at Jackson, who now sits across him.

"It's rude to read other people's messages. Or Mama Avery forgot to teach you that?"

Jackson still looks serious. "What's going on with April? Why is she texting you, of all people? And where the hell is she?"

He looks around the room, but there is no sign of her so he turns back to Alex.

"She called in sick. Stomach flu kicked in again." Alex answers.

"I'm gonna go check up on her." Alex is lying and Jackson knows it. Regardless, he's about to stand up when Alex forces him back down by pulling at his arm.

"Cool it, Avery. You're not together with her anymore, remember?" Alex reminds him casually as he eats his chips.

Jackson eyes him for a second before asking with his eyebrows raised, "Are you saying that you're interested in April now?"

"Dude, really? You're asking me that?" Alex asks doubtfully.

Jackson shrugs. "I don't know what to expect anymore."

Alex rolls his eyes. "I'm just saying, you're acting like a possessive boyfriend. Which you should be acting for that chick."

Alex nods his eyes to Stephanie over a few tables away. She's talking to Jo very closely, and she's not very happy either.

"Seriously, she looks like she's gonna cry!" Alex exclaims.

Jackson just shakes his head and continues eating instead.

•••

Alex, already in his tux, is standing outside the hospital, talking to April on the phone.

"You mean, you're not coming?" He demands.

"No."

April is still on the couch, the coffee table is now full of half-filled boxes of Chinese take-out. It seemed like she was starving at first but with the little food she end up eating, she still feels bloated. But at least she didn't threw up the food anymore.

"Why not?" Alex asks.

April scoffs. "Damn it, Alex! I said no!"

Then she hangs up.

She feels guilty for being a bitch to Alex, who was just being nice. But she just can't deal with anyone right now.

•••

Minutes later, she hears a knock on her door. She tries to ignore it, but the knocking turns into banging.

"Kepner, I know you're in there!"

It's Alex. Groaning, she stands up and walked over to the door. Without opening it, she crosses her arms and leans on it.

"What do you want?" She asks through the door.

"I'm here to take you to the wedding." Alex answers.

"Have I not made myself clear? Is your brain to small and clouded to not accept that information? I said I'm not going."

"Look, Kepner, I know we're never each other's favorite person in the world but I know you went through serious stuff and I don't want to be an ass about it and ignore you."

"What, you suddenly like me now

"Please. Not even the slightest."

April scowls. "You could've just lied."

"It's not gonna make you feel better, believe me."

April like her lip as she turns and leans her back against the door instead. "Alex, I appreciate all of this, but I just don't need it right now. Or ever. I'm fine on my own."

"Yeah, but other people are not fine with it." Alex counters.

"What other people? There're no other people."

He scoffs. "Avery's been breathing down my neck because you're not his puppy-eyed best friend anymore, Kepner. He needs you."

April rolls her eyes. "Yeah, well, I don't need him."

Alex leans against the wall beside the door and crosses his arms. "Sure you do. Now more than ever." He pauses for a moment. "You're gonna have to tell him soon, you know."

"That's not your decision to make." Apol snaps at him. "And if you tell him, I swear, I will kill you."

"Fair enough. Just let me in so I can wait on your couch and we can go to the wedding together."

"I still haven't changed my mind."

"Bailey will kill you."

"You don't even have a car."

"We'll take a cab or whatever."

April sighs. "Just go to this thing and have some fun. I'm fine."

"All the more reason to go."

She stops for a moment. "It's only been a day since I lost…"

"Exactly. It has been a day. But it's like you've been dead for weaks, anyway. You stayed home, you wallowed yourself in your misery, it's enough. Time to live your life again, Kepner."

April considers it. Against her better judgment, she opens the door.

"I still don't like you." She states.

Alex just smiles.

•••

April and Alex arrives at the reception in a hotel. April's wearing a flow-y navy blue dress that ended just below her knee.

The two are late yet again. Bailey is on the dance floor, dancing with her new husband and hasn't notice their arrival yet.

After dropping their gifts on the counter, they make their way to the table where their friends are sitting.

"April, I didn't see you today." Meredith says.

"I was—um, I called in sick." April says, looking away to avoid further more explanation.

"Kepner skipping work." Cristina says as she sips her champagne. "Well, that's a first."

"Yeah, well." April shrugs. "But I really was sick, though."

"Then what are you doing here?"

April sighs. "Bailey." Although it really was Alex's doing that she's here. But saying that would require explanation and she doesn't feel like talking a lot right now.

Cristina nods as if she understood. Bailey can be really, really persistent.

As the conversation at the table flows on, April finds herself tuning everyone out and taking consecutive sips of her champagne.

Jackson's walking back to the table when he sees April, who hasn't notice that he's about to approach her.

She has her red hair in a low bun, with strands of hair framing her face. It's like she had put little effort just to keep it up but to him, it's perfect. Her dress is in perfect contrast with her creamy white skin. He thinks about how literally every inch of her skin is soft, like he could just run his fingers on it all day long.

He shakes his head to steer those thoughts away. He's not allowed to think about them anymore.

"April. I didn't see you come in." He greets her.

He smiles at her as he sits down on her right. She gives him a smile back but it initially drops when Stephanie joins them, shortly after. She ignores the intern's greeting and just turns away.

On the other side of her is Alex, who is busy arguing with Cristina about some surgery earlier. So she lets her eyes drift over to the buffet table.

Without waiting for anyone, she grabs her plate and walks over there and started filling her plate with a hefty amount of food. She goes back to her chair and starts eating.

Jackson touches her lower back to get her attention. That single, platonic touch makes her heart skip a beat. She turns to him while she sips her champagne.

"I called you today." Jackson says. "A bunch of times, actually, but you never called back."

April sets down her glass. "I didn't? Huh."

She turns her attention back to her food.

Jackson eyes her. "Are you mad at me for something?"

April, whose mouth is full, shakes her head.

He cocks an eyebrow. "Really? 'Cause I can't help but notice that you don't talk to me anymore. Hell, you barely even look at me."

April turns to him. She has a hard look on her face. Without thinking, she says, "I have to pee."

She wipes her mouth with her napkin and stands up. She turns the corner to the restroom when Jackson catches her arm. The hall is empty, thank God.

She braces herself for the conversation she dreaded to come.

"Jackson, why don't you go back to your date?" She gestures her arm in the direction of their table. "She looks lonely because her boyfriend is busy pestering some other girl. Not to mention, his ex."

"No, the way I see it, I'm pestering my best friend." He pauses before going on. "If that is even what you still are these days."

"Well, I'm going through some stuff I chose not to talk about, so—"

"Yeah, some stuff that has been eating you up for weeks now. Don't think I didn't notice."

Jackson walks closer to her. She steps back, until she hits the wall. It's like she's trapped between him and the wall. But he seems unfazed by it.

"The-the sudden change in personality, the fact that you don't take care of yourself anymore. It…"

"Just go, Jackson." April mumbles.

He ignores what she just said and lowers his voice. "..it breaks me to see one of the people I care about most in pain and she won't even let me help her through it."

"Maybe because there is no solution." April counters.

"But confiding Karev helps, right?"

"If I had it my way, I wouldn't talk to anyone." She has a hard look on her face. "But I guess things are just always way out of hand."

"I am going to ask again, is this about Stephanie?"

April groans in frustration. "I couldn't care less if you're dating the whole surgical staff, let alone one intern."

Somehow, Jackson bursts. "I don't know what to think anymore, okay?!"

"Just go, Jackson! Just go!"

"I'm not going anywhere, not until you tell me because I-I'm tired of racking my brain, looking for something that I did wrong, but I just—"

"What do you what from me? Apologize? Fine! I'm sorry, Jackson. I'm freaking sorry for everything. Did that do? Did that stroke your ego? Shined the Avery family crest?"

Jackson glares at her, his jaw tight. "I am tired of this bullshit of a phase of yours, April." His voice is low now, but that's the dangerous kind. "I know you've always have a thing of saying the things that are on your mind, even if they are weird or insulting. But now, it's like you don't even treat me with respect anymore."

April stares at him, not saying a word. She could feel tears falling down from her eyes. But these are angry tears. She's damn furious right now.

"You are not yourself, April." Jackson continues on. "Why can't you just let me in? Let me help you—"

"Because I refuse to be your needy and pathetic little best friend, okay?! So just back off. Please!" She pushes him away and walks to the bathroom.

"April—"

He calls back but the door slams shut.

•••

After calming herself down, April fixes her appearance and makes her way to the party. She plans on saying goodbye to Bailey, make up some excuse to leave. But as she walks into the room, the first thing she sees is Jackson sitting at the table again, Stephanie to him. She has her hand curled at the back if his neck, just the way April herself used to do a lot. Without thinking, she makes her way to the bar.

Forget about leaving early. There is booze everywhere and she might as well take advantage of it.

Bailey sees April at the bar, taking a shot. She whispers in her new husband's ear. "I'll be right back." Then she walks over to April. When she reaches the bar, she coughs loudly.

April turns to her. She smiles widely. "Dr. Bailey! Congratulations!" She holds her glass up to toast, but seeing as Bailey holds no glass, she shrugs and just downs the vodka tonic and asks the bartender for another one.

"I thought you didn't want to kill any baby and yet, here you are, on the road to be an alcoholic." Bailey grumbles.

April laughs like it's the most hilarious thing she heard. "Please. I'm rarely like this so leave me alone. Enjoy your party. I know I am."

Bailey snatches her drink away. "Will you stop? This is no good for the—"

"The baby?" April scoffs. "There's no baby."

Bailey looks pissed now. "So you lied? You freaking lied about this? Who does that?"

"Really, Dr. Bailey?" April raises an eyebrow. "Would I lie about something like this?"

Bailey's lips parts as she dawns on a new realization. Her voice lowers as she asks, "You lost the baby?"

"Ding, ding, ding, ding!" April laughs bitterly as she asks the bartender for another drink. "Funny how things work out, huh?" She says as she jiggles the glass the bartender just gave her. "One minute, I'm cursing God and everybody because my whole world ruined..." She pauses as her voice lowers with sadness. "..and then the next, there's a pool of blood by my feet."

She meets Bailey's eyes. "These mind tricks God plays on us...they're supposed to be lessons but I feel like they're not." She takes a large gulp, which leaves a quarter of the contents on her glass. "And the things is, I actually feel bad. My problem's technically solved but I feel like it only just got worse."

Bailey places a supportive hand on her shoulder. She literally has no words. After a while, she asks, "Does Avery know?"

April shakes her head. "God, no. It'll ruin his thing with Stephanie...I don't want to do that to him. He doesn't deserve it."

"He doesn't deserve losing his friend over this." Bailey counters.

"He's better off." April mutters as she mixes her drink with the small straw.

"Eventually, he's gonna want to know."

"But Alex knows."

Bailey looks confused.

April nods. "Yeah, he was with me...when it happened, last night. That's why I didn't make it to your rehearsal dinner. I'm sorry about that. And Alex...he's not all bad."

"You're all different under certain circumstances."

April meets Bailey's stare. She knows her eyes are red and glassy but she makes no effort to hide them from Bailey. She already knows too much anyway.

April carefully wipes her eyes with a napkin and then looks at Bailey, who looks so beautiful. April smiles sadly, "I'm ruining your night.

Bailey lets out a small laugh. "You're not. But you should go get some rest. God knows you need it."

April knows that Bailey's not telling her to leave because she's a buzzkill or whatever. It's because of the people who might notice her and start asking questions she's not ready to answer. So she nods. She goes down the bar stool and gives Bailey a hug.

"You're really great, Dr. Bailey." April says on Bailey's ear.

April pulls away and nods at the waiting Ben over Bailey's shoulder. April smiles. A genuine smile she hadn't done in a long time. "He's a really lucky man."

Bailey smiles also. "Thank you. You'll get yours, too. Whoever he may be."

April finds reassurance in that. If it'll be Jackson or not, she's not sure. In truth, she wanted him to be. But given the circumstances and recent events, she may have to rethink that. But if he's someone else, she's not gonna look or pine for him. Because it's not always about that – finding your true love or whatever.  
She takes her purse from the counter and walks away, sending another smile to Bailey before going out the door.

From across the room, Jackson's sitting at the same spot he was before, sipping his scotch. Stephanie is on the other table, chatting with Jo, so he's alone. He couldn't stop thinking about his talk with April. Turning his head, he sees April walking out of the room. He watches her leave, wondering if things between them will ever be good again.

•••

In the cab on her way home, April holds her phone to her ear.

"Hi, Daddy." She says.

"April! I miss you, kiddo. When are you gonna visit your old man?"

April has tears in her eyes the second she heard her dad's voice. It's her conscience, what she needed to keep her grounded. It's sick for her to think that he's not strong enough and was going to die.

"Soon, Dad. I promise. I miss you, too."

"Are you crying, sweetheart?"

"I-I just really thought I was gonna lose you."

"Oh, April." His voice softens. "I'm still here. I'm still here."

After her long talk with her dad (she didn't tell him about losing her virginity, the pregnancy and miscarriage – just some things your father doesn't need to know about), she finally has a peaceful sleep. Despite her problems, she knows that there are people there for her, even if she doesn't expect them to be. And tomorrow, she'll finally be ready for things to get back to normal.


	12. December 22, 2012

April walks inside the attending lounge feeling pretty good. "Good morning." She greets Meredith, Cristina, Alex and Jackson. They all looked startled by her sudden good mood. Nevertheless, April smiles brightly at them.

She places the tray of coffees she's carrying on the table. "Coffee for everyone." She announces.

Cristina, who is beside Meredith at the table, eyes her suspiciously. "You're not trying to kill us with poison, are you?"

April looks confused. "No, why would I do that?"

Meredith answers, "Because you've been very different and scary lately and we're not sure what you're capable of anymore?"

"You guys—look, I'm sorry that I've been a little..." she cocks her to the side, considering her answer, "…off. I took it out on you and that's terrible. So, peace offering?" She gestures to the coffees.

Standing by the counter, Alex shrugs and takes one. Meredith and Cristina do the same.

April meets Jackson's stare from across the room. She could read him easily. From the way he stood – arms crossed, eyebrows furrowed and jaw tight – he's not exactly happy with her right now. The one thing she really wants to change and she doesn't even know if she's doing it right.

"The fourth one's yours." She meekly says.

"I'm good. I'm planning to meet Stephanie later for coffee anyway." He says.

"Oh."

Cristina, who seems unfazed by the tension between Jackson and April, says, "Make it a month's worth of coffee and I'll take your apology into consideration."

April silently thanks her for breaking the ice. "Make it a week and you got yourself a deal."

"Watch it, Kepner. You're in no position to hold an ultimatum. But if you insist." Then she stands up and walks out. Meredith follows soon after, squeezing April's arm in thanks as she passes her.

Alex is about to leave also when April calls out for him.

"Alex!"

Alex turned around.

"Can I have a word?" She asks him.

Jackson, whose back is turned, scoffs as he shuts the door behind him, leaving the two alone.

Alex asks, "What is it, Kepner?"

"About what happened—"

Alex cuts her off. "Relax, I'm not gonna blab about it."

April sighs in relief. "Thank you. I appreciate it."

"Yeah, whatever." Alex is about to leave but turns back again. "Any plans on telling Avery?" He asks her.

April shrugs. "What's the point? It's over now."

"Yeah, but don't you think he deserves to know why you acted like a complete lunatic for these past weeks?"

April smirks, turning the situation around. "Wow, Alex, you suddenly care now?"

Alex scowls. "You know what? I'm done. You're all good now, I can finally go back to hating you again." Then he starts walking out.

"You're welcome—by the way."

The door slams shut.

"For the coffee." She finishes.

Her eyes land on a lone cup of coffee on the table. Sighing, she takes the tray and throws it in the trash.

•••

April is walking down the stairs when she sees Jackson standing by the nurse station alone, his head down on a chart. April takes a deep breath and walks over to him.

She slips her hands inside her coat pockets as she stands by him.

Jackson doesn't need to look up to know who it is beside him. He asks coldly, "Can I help you with something?"

April takes a deep breath before starting. "Jackson, I'm sorry. And I, I really do mean it this time."

"Anything else?"

April looked offended. "N-no—"

Jackson slams the chart close and turns to her. He's definitely mad. "Wrong answer."

"What?"

"Are you here to tell me why you acted the way you acted?" He demands.

"Jackson, it doesn't matter now—"

"Are you?"

"N-no." April's voice shakes but she wills it to be steady. "No."

"Then we have to reason to talk to each other unless it's work related." Jackson states. Then he walks away.

"Jackson." She calls out to him but he didn't even look back.

•••

Before her surgery that afternoon, April runs into Jackson in the hallway.

"Sorry." Jackson mutters before he realizes it's April. His expression turned cold and he starts to walk away.

"Jackson."

This time, he stops walking. "What?"

"I—uh..." She licks her lips. She didn't know where to start.

He turns to face her, eyebrows raised in question.

"If you want to scrub in, I have a 56-year-old who wanted to repair—"

"No thanks. I'm pretty busy with Torres on Shepherd's nerve transplant." He starts walking away again when April calls out.

"You're really not gonna talk to me?"

Jackson stops walking and thought about turning to her for a second then shakes his head and continues walking.

April watches his back sadly. She really needs to fix this. Whatever it takes.

So she'll have to start explaining herself.

•••

Before she leaves at the end of her shift, April's sitting on the lower bunk in an on-call room. Her elbows are at her knees and her fingers are laced tightly.

The door opens and Jackson comes in. He closes the door and walks over to April. "This better be quick, I gotta –"

"Jackson."

Jackson stares at her impatiently. "Look, just say it. I don't have all night."

April sighs and runs her hands through her hair before putting them down again and looks up at Jackson. She stares at his eyes. Somehow, she suddenly thinks about a blue-eyed baby, just like his father. But that thought only makes her more incredibly sad. She looks down on her shaking hands. She laces the fingers tightly and takes a deep breath before saying, "I was pregnant."

Jackson's expression changes instantly to confused. "April, you took the test. You're not pregnant."

"They had a mix up of results weeks ago. As it turns out, I actually was pregnant."

Jackson had a hard look on his face. "Was?"

April takes a deep breath. "Yes, was."

For a split second he looks angry. "You had an abort—"

"I didn't have an abortion. I..."

She closes her eyes as she tears start falling from her eyes. "I lost it, Jackson. I lost the baby."

She looks up at him, stood up and starts pacing. "I knew I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place—not like this—but when I had the miscarriage I-I just—it felt like such a huge loss. I lost a part of me that I barely even knew and it's sick and-and hard."

Still no response from Jackson. He just stares at her. He couldn't believe it.

"I know I said I didn't have an abortion but I feel like I'm still responsible. I killed it. I did kill it because I didn't think about it when I'm not taking care of myself and now it's gone and it's all my fault—"

She takes another deep breath and stopped in front of him. "I thought of it as God punishing me. I didn't care and now it's dead because of me."

Finally, Jackson talks, his voice low. "April, why didn't you tell me?"

April rubs the back of her hands to her eyes. "I don't really know. Maybe because I didn't want to ruin your thing with Stephanie—"

Jackson scoffs.

"Or maybe because I didn't want to burden you with something you wouldn't want in your life." She continues.

Jackson scoffs again in disbelief. "I didn't want it? I said I was gonna be there for you. Marry you and buy you a house and spend the rest of my life with you. You were the one who was delighted that we don't have to do all those things."

"Because I wasn't ready then. And you weren't, too." She reasons with him.

"But, April, how can you not tell me this?" He asks helplessly. "You didn't even try."

She gives him a look.

Jackson thinks about it, then remembers something. "You were going tell me then, weren't you? But I told you about Stephanie." He shakes his head in disbelief. "April—"

"You wanted to know and now you do."

Jackson didn't know what to say.

"I-I understand if you hate me." April swallows hard. "But I really, really hope you don't because I can't stand it when you're mad at me, Jackson. It doesn't have to change anything, I don't expect you to get back together with me."

He averts his stare to the floor, not being able meet her eyes anymore.

She continues, "I'll give you t-time and...I'll be out of your way, I promise, just don't hate me, please." She pleads but he still wouldn't meet her eyes.

She waits for a response and when she didn't get it, she just nods her head and walks out of the room.

•••

Jackson's sitting at the bar, staring down his beer. He feels ashamed of himself. All this time, April's been going through something that they both caused, but she took it all in to herself. She went through something hard to recover from and he wasn't even there for her. He feels ashamed for being so mad at her and doesn't even have the right to feel that way.

Alex soon joins him. He gestures to Joe for a drink and then turns to Jackson. "You planning on downing that beer just by staring at it?" He started on his own bottle.

"Shut up." Jackson mutters. "Just...shut up."

"Huh." Alex raises hi eyebrows. "What's got you all wind up?"

Jackson stares at him. "You knew. And you didn't tell me."

Alex gets confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about." Jackson snaps.

Alex sighs. "So Kepner finally told you, huh?"

"I asked you and you outright lied to me. You don't lie about something like this."

"It wasn't my secret to tell, alright?" Alex defends himself. "I respected that. And for the record, I did try to convince her to tell you herself."

Jackson scoffs. "Yeah, what a big help you've been." He says sarcastically.

"Look, if a person breaks down and then looses a baby in front of you –"

Jackson looks up at that.

"– and knowing that she doesn't have anyone else, you help her. She doesn't want people to know then I won't tell anyone. You know I don't like Kepner that much but if she needed help then I'll help. I'm not a complete ass, you know." He sips his beer.

Jackson's silent for a moment. He asks quietly, "You were with her? When it happened?"

"Yeah," Alex eyes him. "I'm sorry about that. I'm not sure if you even wanted the kid but it's still a huge loss."

Jackson just nods in thanks as he looks down on his beer again.

•••

Author's Note: Thank you for all of your reviews. And keep 'em coming! They are all appreciated. Whether they are good or bad – I'm all ears. Your reviews are what keeps this story going. Keep that in mind.


	13. December 25, 2012

December 25, 2012

"The Ice is Getting Thinner" by Death Cab for Cutie

_We're not the same, dear _

_As we used to be_

•••

That morning, April is slouched on her couch, clicking the remote of the TV repeatedly as she changes from one channel to the next. In truth, she's not really paying attention to the TV. Her mind is drifting elsewhere.

For the first time in her whole life, she's alone on Christmas. And for the first time, she hates everything about it. Starting from the freezing weather; she used to love snow, as a kid. But now, when she's on her couch, wrapped in layers of thick blankets, she despises it. And then she hates that Christmas ambiance. It just reminds her of how alone she is right now. And lastly, she hates all the holiday specials on TV, which resulted to her ignoring it.

Suddenly, her phone rings. She sighs and mutes the TV. She runs her hand n the sofa and when she feels the small, metal device underneath a pillow, she pulls it out and looks at the caller ID. It says Alice, her sister. She takes a deep breath and puts up a fake enthusiastic voice.

"Hi!" April greets through the speaker of the phone.

"April! I just got here at Mom and Dad's. Guess the only one who's not present?" Alice demands.

"I'm gonna take a wild guess – me."

"How can you not be here?" Alice sounds like one of her daughters whining.

"Aren't you too old to whine, Alice?" April asks, dodging her sister's question. She's tired of lying to them.

"No." Alice grumbles. "I just miss you. Everyone does."

"I know." April sighs. "I'm sorry I can't be there."

"Yeah, yeah. I get it. Save lives and all that." Alice laughs a little.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"Okay, whatever. Now, I'll put you on speaker so everyone can talk to you."

"No, Alice, don't –" April couldn't deal with her whole family right now. Not talking to them at all is way better than lying to them. But Alice ignores her protest.

"April, sweetheart! Merry Christmas!" Her mother greets her.

"You, too, Mom." April says, trying not to sound so disappointed.

"I wanna talk to Aunt April!" A little boy shouts.

April recognize the kids as her nephew, Frankie – Libby's five-year-old son – her favorite among her sisters' children. She smiles at the sound of that kid's voice. Without meaning to, she suddenly imagines a kid she would've had her own but pushes the thought away.

"Frankie! Hi, kiddo, how are you?" She asks as she smiles sadly, missing her family so much right now.

•••

After April's talk with her whole family, she decides to walk to the bar at noon. Her dire need for alcohol gets the best of her.

She appreciates how her family does everything they can include her in the festivities but she just couldn't bring herself to be happy about anything right now.

She walks the empty streets of Seattle. It's rarely like this – being that it's one of the busiest cities in the country. But now, it's so quiet, it almost feels like she could own this empty town. She could whatever she wanted. Her hands bury deeper in the pockets of her coat as she walks.

She reaches Joe's bar but finds it closed. She sighs. What the hell was she thinking? Of course Joe closes the bar on Christmas day. Not everyone's alone today, like her. She sits on the steps, thinking of what she should do. She remembers quite well that Meredith invited her over for Christmas at her house, knowing that April won't be going home to Ohio. April politely declines, saying that she should be with family. Meredith said Alex and Cristina – who will bring Owen – are coming but all April said was that she'll think about it. Though she doesn't really want to come.

There are only three places that April alternately goes to in this city. Those are her apartment, the bar and the hospital. Going home is out the question. Because going home means wallowing in sadness and chocolates sent by her cousins in Virginia. Going to the bar is obviously inapplicable, being that it's closed. So there's only one place left.

Without another thought, she stands up and walks. She might as well go to the hospital and fine something useful to do on this otherwise useless day.

•••

April ends up just sitting on a chair at the nurse station in the ER. Never has she ever encountered this place so quite in the middle of the day.

A female nurse walks by. "Not a very merry Christmas?" She asks.

"Not really." April says.

The nurse just gives her a smile. "It'll get better." Then she walks away.

April sighs and leans back in her chair. She came in here in the hopes to busy herself and empty her mind but the clearly failed.

She takes out her phone and glances at it. No calls.

What the hell was she expecting, Jackson calling her, trying to make things better between them? God knows she tried that. He couldn't even look at her when she told him about being pregnant and losing the baby, much less talk to her right now. She needs to face the fact the he may never forgive her for keeping something like this from him.

She tried to fix everything. She tried to be her old self again. But she doesn't think she can go back to that if Jackson's not in her life. He's that important.

•••

The first thing that Jackson does the second he wakes up is groan. He lies on his back and rubs his eyes then opens them fully.

He's in his childhood bedroom. He takes in the navy blue walls, painted as per his request when he was six. The room is not exactly the same when he was still sleeping in it every night. There were some changes. Formerly cluttered with his things, it's now clean. In fact, it's pretty much bare. When he moved to Seattle, he took most of his stuff with him – at least the ones that didn't end up in the trash. But still, he appreciates that his family left the room alone, so it's still his, whenever he wants it.

He gets off his bed and walks to the door. When he opens it, he steps back. His two nephews – sons of his cousin – are running in the hall. Then he hears that cousin, Katie, saying, "No running, boys!" When the two boys didn't seem to have heard her, Katie sighs and walks over to them. She passes by Jackson and she smiles at him. "Morning, Jackson."

"Morning," he mumbles as he closes the door behind him and walks the hall, to the stairs. He navigates through the house he knows by heart, down to every detail. It's still the same, as always. His grandfather – the man of the house – is not exactly big on renovation. He enters the kitchen crowded by his aunts, together with his mother.

Catherine smiles at her son. "Merry Christmas, sweetheart."

Right. Today's Christmas day. Somehow, it didn't feel like it. Even if the house is decorated for the holiday, Jackson's feeling still begs to differ. But still, he puts up a smile for his mom and aunts. Then he turns around to reach up in a cabinet and retrieve a mug. He pours coffee in it and walks to the counter. He sits on the bar stool and eyes the food laid on the counter. If there's one thing he misses about this place, it's the home-cooked food. He grabs a bacon shoves the whole of it in his mouth.

His Aunt Georgina purses her lips from across the counter. "For God's sake, Jackson, there are utensils, you know?" She tries to smile brightly, but she's over compulsive when it comes to table manners, among others – so she's actually serious right now. "You're not five anymore."

Jackson grabs a plate from the pile of it and a fork. Georgina smiles wider and turns back to the conversation with her sisters.

Jackson's been here in Boston since yesterday. It's only been a day but for him, it's been long enough.

•••

After his shower, he decides to go to his grandfather's study. When he was a kid, he doesn't go there much but as he grows up, he starts to visit it frequently. Then he entered med school and whenever he's home it's where he goes, reading medical books that his grandfather owns (some, he wrote) and studies.

He passes by one of his cousins' husband, who slaps him on the back as greeting. When he enters the very familiar room, the old man sitting on the couch smiles up at him.

Harper Avery is one of the biggest names in the medical world. The prestige Harper Avery award – an honor for every doctor who gets the privilege to accept one – is named after him. For anyone, he's THE doctor. But for Jackson, Harper Avery is his grandfather, and nothing else.

Jackson smiles back and sits on the couch across from him.

Harper takes his reading glasses off, closes his book and nods at his grandson. "So, Jackson, how is everything on the other side of the coast?"

Jackson shrugs. "Same."

"Same, huh? Are you ever going to take me up on my offer to give you a place at Mass General?" His grandfather asks.

"You already know the answer to that, Granddad, so why bother asking?"

"It's rude to answer a question with a question, boy." Harper raises an eyebrow at him.

In fact, the Averys are pretty OC with manners, in general. Jackson fights the urge to roll his eyes.

"But would you at least switch fields? Leave that god-awful plastics world behind." Harper continues on.

_Here we go_, Jackson thinks. He's starting to regret even coming to find solace in this room.

"Why can't you focus on what's important? Cardio, neuro? Even trauma, if that's what it takes. Just not plastics."

"I'm happy where I am right now." Jackson says.

"I'm sure you are. I understand it's easy money but you won't be happy enough." Harper presses on. "You'll never be satisfied working your whole life on face lifts and liposuctions."

"It's not just easy money, okay?" Jackson defends. "It's much more than that."

His grandfather just purses his lips.

Jackson's tired of this. So he nods and stands up, "I'm going to see if they need some help in the kitchen." He hadn't cooked a borderline decent meal in his life but he'll take anything, just to get out of the room.

"My offer stands still, Jackson." Harper calls out.

Jackson turns around. "I'm sorry?"

"If you ever change your mind, you can go to Mass Gen anytime you want."

Jackson bites his lip before saying, "Thanks for the offer, but like I said before, I'm not gonna change my mind." Then he turns and leaves the room before his grandfather could say another word.

After exploring the house for anything better to do – which he failed – he resides in his room. He's lying on his bed, trying to read "The Catcher in the Rye". It's a book he loved in his teens. Actually, one of the very few books he read in his teens. He found the battered, dog-eared copy of his in his desk drawer. He tried to focus on the words but the noise in the house and his thoughts kept him from achieving that. Frustrated, he throws it across the room. It hits the wall opposite his bed and lands on the floor.

Every minute he spent in this house frustrates him even more. But to make things worse, he's actually dreading to go back to Seattle because that means he'll have to face April again, which he's so not ready for.

Jackson knew that when he decided to come here for the holidays, he'll have to face another round of his grandfather trying to persuade him to switch fields and work in Mass Gen. He hated the fact that his family can't even accept his direction in this career. It's one of the reasons why he actually hated coming home.

And then there's April.

He shakes his head and sighs. He can't even describe the magnitude of his shame for being so mad at April when she's going through a lot. _And he had no idea, whatsoever._

Without thinking about it, he reaches for his phone on the bedside table and goes through the list of contacts. His thumb hovers over April's name. Should he call or not?

But what would he say? He still has no idea.

Then he goes down and sees Stephanie's name. Still, he couldn't call. He couldn't bear to face anyone right now. Not his girlfriend. Not his family. And certainly not April.

So instead, he drops his phone on the mattress. It bounces and falls to the floor. He didn't even bother to pick it up.

The he remembers something. He gets off the bed and walks over to the opened suitcase on the floor. He kneels and digs through the clothing. Beneath it is a small, robin's egg blue box with a white ribbon tied to it. He leans on the side of his bed and stretches his legs in front of him. He stares at the box in his hand, not knowing why even bothered to bring it here in Boston. He unties the ribbon and opens the box. Inside is a silver necklace with a small bead of diamond.

Jackson bought this particular Christmas present early; as he remembered very well, he bought it right around the time he was still (kind of) dating April. He passed by the infamous jewelry store and sees the necklace on the window. He was so happy about the idea of him and April together that he just had to buy it for her.

Even after they broke up, he still though she should have the pretty serious gift. If not for being the girl he's with, then it's for being the girl who's always there for him – his best friend.

But now…

Jackson sighs and closes the box, tying the ribbon again. He spent a thousand bucks on a gift that will never see the light out of the box again. He buries it deep in his suitcase again, to be forgotten.

•••

Author's Note: So I've start putting song titles per chapter—songs that would fit what happened. So...yeah. Okay, then. Oh, and reviews? Yes? Yes? Yes.


	14. December 28, 2012

December 28, 2012

"Where Love Went Wrong" - Augustana

_You try to breathe, you try to save it_  
_But it marks your skin, until they break it_

•••

As Jackson leaves the lounge to start his day, someone pulls his arm aside to an empty hallway and then wraps both arms around his neck.

"Stephanie—" He cuts off when Stephanie kisses him. He pulls away first.

She smiles sheepishly at him. "Hi."

Jackson gives her a small smile. "Hi."

She unwrap her arms from around his neck. "So, how was Boston?"

He shrugs. "Eh."

She laughs a little. "That's what I thought. Christmas for me feels kinda off without you, too."

"Y-yeah." He mumbles.

She furrows her eyebrows. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." He tells her.

She seems skeptical but moves on. "So, maybe you and I could meet tonight—"

"Edwards."

The two then jump apart. They turn and see Meredith standing a few feet away from them, arms crossed.

"Rounds, now." She snaps at the intern. "Before you jump your boss's bones right then and there,"

"Right," Stephanie mumbles then walks away too quickly.

Meredith raises an eyebrow at Jackson.

He sighs. "Don't," he says and walks, Meredith beside him.

"How was Christmas?" She asks.

"Excruciating," he answers truthfully.

She cringes. "Ooh, that bad at the Avery household?"

"You have no idea. I'm sick and tired of them pestering about my job or where I live. And, not to mention, how I eat. God." He complains.

"Coming from a line of notorious surgeons finally gets to you, huh?"

"You mean, getting again."

She laughs. He glares at her.

She rolls her eyes at him. "Hey, you didn't get the worse end of the deal, so don't feel too bad."

He furrows his eyebrows. "You didn't get a good Christmas?"

"Oh, I did." She says as the two of them enter the elevator. "I meant April."

He grows nervous. Maybe Meredith knows about what happened. Maybe –

But that idea shoots down when she continues, "I heard from one of the nurses that she worked on Christmas day."

"Really?" He asks nonchalantly, despite the wave of relief rushing through him. He can't with Meredith – or anyone else, for that matter – when she finds out.

"I swear, I don't even know if she's still actually April." Meredith shakes her head and leaves the elevator when the doors open, leaving Jackson pursing his lips and getting lost in thought again.

•••

April walks into the nurse station and grabs the chart the nurse hands to her.

"Thank you," she says she opens the chart and reads it. She looks up and notices Jackson walking by and meets her eyes. She freezes. She waits for him to say something, anything. But instead, he looks away and turns the corner and out of sight. April sighs.

"Give him time." Alex says gently.

April looks up at him, standing on the other side of the counter. He closes his chart and walks away.

April nods on his advice and then she gets a page.

•••

April walks out of the ER doors and walks by the patient that was being discarded from the ambulance. The paramedic starts talking as they walked into the ER.

The paramedic states, "23-year-old male. GSWs on the chest and right leg," He eyes April, before adding, "Some jackass thought it'd be fun to try out the recently bought, unregistered gun."

April shakes her head as they bring in the patient in a trauma room. Stephanie is waiting right there.

"Page Dr. Yang," April tells the intern, who immediately runs out to do just that.

April takes the stethoscope from her neck and checks the patient's heartbeat. "Heartbeat increasing rapidly," she says and then notices that the paramedic is still there, staring at her. "You can leave now. I got it from here." She tells him as she works on the patient, not even looking up at him anymore.

The paramedic just nods. "R-right. Yeah." He walks away. April doesn't even notice him go as she continues to work on the patient, barking off orders to the nurses there to assist.

•••

April is walking out of the patient's room and checking his chart when she notices a familiar guy by the wall. She stops walking and turns to him. It's the paramedic from this morning. He looks a little nervous as she meets his stare.

"Are you here for Mr. Miller? He's gonna be fine, you have nothing to worry about." She says as she closes the chart she's holding.

The paramedic looks confused. "I'm sorry, who?"

April furrows her eyebrows. "Mr. Miller. The guy you brought in with GSWs."

"Oh. Him." He laughs a little. "You know, not a lot of doctors even know their patient's names."

"So do the paramedics, apparently."

He laughs again, more awkwardly.

"So, can I help you with anything?" April asks.

He disregards the question. "But there are doctors who don't even know the nurses' names – or the paramedics' names."

"What's your point?"

He holds out his hand. "I'm Matthew."

April stared at the hand and decides to shake it to be polite. "April."

Matthew grins. There's something contagious in that smile that April finds herself doing the same.

"Very nice to finally meet you, April." He says, confidently this time.

She cocks an eyebrow. "Finally?"

His eyes widened. He draws his hand back. "It's just—um," he scratches the back of his neck nervously, "I've been delivering patients to you for weeks now and you never seem to notice me."

That's not exactly true. April had noticed him. Just didn't give him a second look, is all.

"I'm sure that's not true." She replies.

"Oh, it is. But it's okay. I don't mind the late timing." He grins.

Now April feels awkward. He's clearly flirting and she's not comfortable with it.

"O-kay. Not to be rude or anything, Matthew, but don't you have some work to do? 'Cause I know I do."

If she may have come off as rude, he disregards it as he continued to grin. "And I will get to that in a minute. I just have to ask if you wanted to have some coffee or something."

April looks confused. "It's like ten in the evening."

Matthew laughs. "I didn't mean now. Whenever you're free."

"Oh." She raises her eyebrows. "As in on a…date?"

"Well, if you put it that way, yeah."

April purses her lips. "I'm sorry, it's just…"

"I get it. Boyfriend?"

"No. No boyfriend." She shakes her head. "I just got out of a relationship and it's still…I'm not ready. I'm sorry."

Matthew nods his head. "It's okay. But hey, you gotta give credit to the guy who tried, right?"

April laughs.

"I'll see you around, Dr. Kepner." He starts to walk away but stops when she asks something.

She furrows her eyebrows. "I don't recall telling you my last name."

"Oh, I've known who you are for a while, I just didn't want to sound like a stalker for knowing so much from a distance."

"Are you saying you know me?"

He nods. "I know that you're a trauma surgeon and you're very good at what you do. You're organized and efficient, even in the midst of chaos, which is exactly what the ER needs." He rambles on, almost as if to himself. "You care for your patients—it shows compassion for saving lives and not just making money or a name for yourself. You're also a very beautiful person, inside and out."

Eventually, he snaps out of it.

"I'm sorry about the…rambling." He smiles sheepishly. "I'll see you around."

Matthew gives her one last smile then walked away. April finds herself smiling also. Not much people notice her and it's very refreshing, for a change. Even if she's not exactly interested in that person.

Meredith walks by and notices her. "What are you smiling about?"

April joins her walking. "Who knew paramedics are nice people to hang out with?"

"No one because no one had even bothered to try," Meredith answers as they walk to the attending lounge.


	15. January 2, 2013

"1957" - Milo Greene

_Would it be much better if I knew nothing about you?_

•••

April is holding her tray of food and is about to join Cristina and Alex when Jackson, not noticing her, walks ahead of her and beats her to the chair beside Cristina.

April stops walking and thinks about joining them or getting out of Jackson's way. She chooses the latter and walks away instead.

As she walks, she gets a page. She thanks every god she ever known—other than the one God she actually believes in—that she doesn't have to go through hell by eating by herself at another table, just to give Jackson his space. She looks at her pager as she throws her uneaten food in the nearest trash bin, places her tray on the table beside it and walks out of the room without looking back.

Unknown to April, Cristina and Alex are watching her.

"What could Kepner have possibly done now?" Cristina directs the question to Jackson.

Jackson just bites into his sandwich, swallows and says, "Stay out of it, Cristina."

Cristina presses on. "She looked at you like you're some kind of bomb. And run, the redhead did."

Jackson scoffs. "She obviously got a page."

"Right after she ran away from you." She picks on a fry and points to Jackson, saying, "Get back together with her if you still like her. No muss, no fuss." She eats the fry.

"You're forgetting that I have a girlfriend." He reminds her.

"What do you see in Edwards, anyway? Sex?" She cocks her head to the side. "I'm sure Kepner has a lot to offer. I mean, you are the only guy who can put up with her."

Jackson glares. "This is none of your business so stay out of it."

Cristina ignores what he just said. "You gotta admit, it was better when the two of you were sneaking out to hook up and not tiptoeing around each other like someone's bound to explode."

"I'm warning you—" Jackson threats.

Cristina turns to Alex. "Aren't tired of Kepner and Avery's endless, sad saga?"

Alex's mouth is full as he talks. "You have no idea."

Cristina cringes at his manners, or lack thereof. Jackson glares at Alex, who swallows his food and says, "It's true."

"I'm just tired of everything, alright? They're all complicated and I'm freaking tired of it." Jackson says frustratedly. "One little mistake and everything turns to crap. It's frustrating to think that if you could just change one small thing and it could be different. But no. That's not how it works."

"Okay, okay," Cristina rolls eyes and looks down on her watch, "I said get back together with Kepner, not pour your heart out, god." She takes her tray and leaves.

Alex shrugs and continues eating while Jackson lost his own appetite.

•••

After his long surgery, Jackson walks into the lounge to take a breather before meeting Stephanie. Much to his surprise—and dismay—he finds April there.

She's slumped on the couch, obviously tired of the day's loaded work. She looks up at the incoming person and her eyes widened when she sees who the person is. She immediately sits up.

Jackson's frozen by the door with a hard look on his face, unknown of what he should do next._ He is not ready for this conversation._

April musters up every courage she has left and speaks up first.

"Can we talk?" She asks.

"About what?" He asks, which is the stupidest question in the world right now, he thinks. He's not that dense.

She gives him a look. "You know what."

He doesn't say more for a moment.

She sighs. "It's been days, Jackson. You and I both know that we have to talk about this."

Still, nothing from him.

Her expressions hardened. "Jackson, I'm really trying here. The least you can do is—"

This seems to snap him right back. He snaps at her, "What do you want me to say? You got any suggestions? 'Cause I have no idea what to say to you."

What he said sets her back. "We used to talk nonstop all night and now we suddenly have nothing to talk about?" She asks quietly, almost to herself. But he hears her clearly.

"Maybe we have nothing in common anymore." He says a little too coldly.

April bites her lip before asking, "Do you still hate me?"

Jackson looks down. He couldn't look at her in the eyes anymore. "I honestly don't know how I feel about you." He sits down at the table and buries his face in his hands.

"I'm so, so sorry, Jackson." She says, trying to keep herself together. She can't fall apart in front of him anymore. Not when he's clearly unwilling to comfort her.

Jackson puts down his hands and laces them on the table. He ignores her apology. He's grown tired of her taking all the blame. Instead, he asks, "How do we go from here?" He shakes his head, still not meeting her stare. "Too much had happened already."

April takes deep breaths. She thinks about giving up. She'll have to cope without Jackson in her life. She has to accept that. But she _can't_. She can't give up in him. She needs more time. But she doesn't say any of this and just slumps back on the couch and stares down the floor.

Out of nowhere, he says, "I don't think I can be your best friend anymore."

She looks up at that. "You don't want to be my best friend." She states. "You're never gonna be my boyfriend again."

Jackson looks up at that remark. But he doesn't say a word.

"What are you, Jackson? What do you want to be?"

He meets her eyes with a hard look on his face. April's pager beeps. She tries to ignore it as she waits for an answer. But it beeps again. So she sighs and gathers her lab coat from the arm of the couch.

She stares at him for a moment. "The ball's in your court."

Then she walks out.

Jackson sits there for a while, not caring that he's already late to meet with Stephanie at the bar. All he could think about right now is that he's losing his best friend—one of the most important people in his life—and he hates himself for it.

Finally, he texts Stephanie that he's too exhausted to hang out and he stands up to change out of his scrubs, getting ready to go home and end his night earlier than usual.


	16. January 10, 2013

January 10, 2012

"When it Rains" by Paramore

_You've made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole_

_And convince yourself that is not the reason you don't see the sun anymore_

•••

During rounds, April goes in a patient's room, Shane Ross and Leah Murphy in tow. She smiles at the female patient sitting on the bed.

"April." The patient greets. She flicks her long and luscious, silver blonde hair over her shoulder and smiles brightly at April. By any standards, she's very gorgeous.

"Good morning, Nina." April grins as she slips her hands through her lab coat pockets.

Shane swoons at Nina's beauty. He stares at her before whispering to the other intern, "She looks familiar, do you know her?"

Leah whispers back, "Nina Barrett. She's a model. Victoria's Secret."

Shane's eyes widened at April. "Kepner's on first name basis with her."

April turns back at the two interns, her eyebrows raised. Shane and Leah moves apart, cutting off their conversation. April eyes them suspiciously before turning back to the patient.

"Oh, April," Nina says. "Don't be so hard on the two guppies."

Leah whispers to Shane. "She just called us guppies."

"I don't care," Shane mutters, never breaking his stare at the model.

April rolls her eyes and chuckles a little. "How are you feeling today? Any pains, whatsoever?" She asks.

Nina just shrugs her slender shoulders, shaking her head. "None at all. I feel very great."

April cocks an eyebrow. "You just want to get out of the hospital gown."

"What?" Nina fingers her hospital gown. "This nice thing? Please." She waves her hand. A diamond ring on her left finger gleams at the sunlight streaming from the window.

April remains unconvinced but lets it go. She turns to Shane. "Dr. Ross, present."

Totally unprepared, Shane states the patient's details, why she's here. Nina almost laughs at him. April and Leah roll their eyes.

After, a man in a suit comes inside the room. Now, it's Leah's turn to swoon.

Nina smiles at the man. "Danny, honey, come here."

He walks over to her and gives her a brief kiss before sitting beside Nin and nodding at April. "Dr. Kepner, can I take Nina home now?"

"Well, she certainly showed great results overnight, so, like I promised, yes. She can go now." April smiles at the couple. "Mr. Copeland, there are some papers – discharge papers – that needs to signed at the front desk."

Danny nods. "I'll have someone take care of it."

Nina reaches out a hand to April, who puts it on top of hers. Nina squeezes April's hand gently as she talks. "Thank you so much for taking care of me, April."

"It's been a pleasure." April says before following Shane and Leah out of the room.

The two interns gush about the couple. April clears her throat. They look at her, cutting off their conversation, looking nervous.

"Get back to work." April says. They nod and walk away.

But April hears Leah mutter, "And here I thought she's gonna yell at us for even talking."

Sighing, April walks to the nurse station, puts Nina's chart on the shelf and sits on the chair. It's barely noon and she's exhausted already.

Nevertheless, she gets up and goes back to work. She gets a page as she walks and runs to the ER.

•••

Jackson is walking down the hall, reading a chart in hand. He stops when he notices Stephanie in front of him, grinning.

"A quick consult, Dr. Avery?" She cocks her head to the side, gesturing to the nearest supply closet. Then she walks on. When he didn't immediately follow her, she looks back and raises an eyebrow.

God, could she be any more obvious? Granted that almost everyone knows that they're together, that still doesn't mean that being discreet is now out of the question. Nevertheless, Jackson follows her into the supply closet.

When he closes the door behind him, Stephanie wraps her arms around his neck and starts kissing him in the dark room. He tries to focus on her lips moving against his, but he couldn't. He touches her waist and gently pushes her a little, enough to detach their lips.

"What is it?" She murmurs as she moves to kiss down his neck.

"Stephanie…" Jackson mumbles, almost helplessly.

She groans and looks up. "For God's sake, Jackson, what is it now?"

"I just – I can't focus right now, I have a lot in my mind –" He tries to explain but she cuts him off.

"Now that mention it," she says as she pulls away from and crosses her arms, staring at him, "maybe we can talk about what's been going on with you."

"Steph, don't do this now." He tells her.

"When will be the right time? Here at work, you're too busy, but after your shift, you're too tired. I mean, do still even have the time for me, your girlfriend?" She asks him.

"Of course, I do." Jackson walks closer to her. He cups her cheeks. "I'm sorry for acting really weird these past few days. But I will make it up to you, though."

Stephanie's insides feels like melting under his stare, as she always feels like. Because of this, she gives in. After all, she can't really stay mad at him, not when he has those deep, blue eyes. "Okay." She mumbles before he leans down and kisses her.

After a few moments, they discreetly leave the closet, only unlacing their hands when they head on opposite directions.

•••

Author's note: I'm so, so sorry that I haven't updated in a while (an understatement, I know). It's just – school's been a total bitch lately and I've been on this somewhat frenzy on Dylan O'Brien (so friggin' hot like what the fuck, especially on The Internship – I'm a total sucker for those nerdy-but-hot, black-rimmed glasses) that I couldn't focus well on anything else, much less write this story. So really, it's them to blame, not me. But nevertheless, I'm here to make up for my long, long absence with no better than numerous chapters.


	17. January 12, 2013

January 12, 2013

"Like a Star" by Corrine Bailey Rae

_Still I wonder why it is_

_I don't argue like this with anyone but you_

_We do it all the time, blowing out my mind_

•••

After having Heather tie her trauma gown, April runs outside the ER doors just in time the paramedics unload a patient on a gurney.

The paramedic immediately states the patient's details. "Unidentified female, multiple burns on the face and neck."

April's eyes widen at the sight of the patient. "Let's get her to Trauma 1," she says as the paramedics help her push the gurney. She turns to Heather, "Brooks, get a CT and page plastics."

Minutes later, Jackson goes inside the crowded room. His eyes meet April's for a second before bringing his eyes down to the patient. He puts on a pair of gloves and moves to examine the patient's burns, slightly lifting the multiple tissues on the face.

The patient is now awake. Her eyes widen.

April moves to tell her reassuringly, "You're gonna be okay," she squeezes the hand of the patient when she touches a ring. She looks down and it looks very familiar. Her eyes widen as she looks up. "Nina?" She panics when the patient's eyes widen and make a small movement that could pass off as a nod.

Jackson's head snaps at April. But Heather beats her into asking, "You know her?"

But April ignores the question as she says to Nina, "We are going to fix this, I promise you, Nina."

"Let's get her upstairs." Jackson says.

April moves to help push the gurney and Jackson eyes her. "You can go now, Dr. Kepner."

"What?"

"I can take it from here." He tells her a little harshly.

She's surprised but she didn't get the chance to respond when he is already out the door.

•••

While waiting for the surgery to finish, April busied herself. She called Danny, Nina's fiancé. But his assistant said that he's on the plane to Japan and is currently out of reach. She went on to her other patients but she couldn't take her mind off of Nina.

That afternoon, she walks to Nina's room. She's awake and alone. April sits on the bed beside her. Nina holds up a hand and April takes it in hers, squeezing it.

"I'm so, so sorry this happened to you." April says softly.

Nina swallows hard, not saying anything, as she is still in shock.

Jackson comes into the room, trailed by Stephanie. He meets April's stare before turning to the patient.

"I'm Dr. Avery, I will be your surgeon for this case." He says.

Jackson gestures to Stephanie, "And this is Dr. Edwards."

Nina nods. "Will April be my doctor also?"

"Nina—" April's starts but Jackson cuts her off.

"I'm afraid I don't need her in this case." He says.

"Surely, I can give you a hand—"

"Nope, I'm good."

April stares at him. Jackson proceeds to explaining how the surgery would go on to Nina.

After, he says, "Now, Dr. Edwards will prep you for surgery." He leaves.

April clenches her jaw in annoyance at him. She feels Nina squeeze her hands so looks at him. She says, "You're gonna be okay. I promise you that."

Nina nods in reassurance.

•••

After the surgery, Nina wakes up and sees Jackson standing by the table at the foot of her bed, writing on a chart.

He looks up at her and slips his pen in the breast pocket of his scrubs. "How are you feeling?" He walks over to her, then examines the burn in her face.

"How was the surgery?" She asks groggily.

"Surgery went very smoothly." Jackson says to her.

Nina's eyes lit up. "Did fix my face?"

He hesitates. She sees that and her expression falls.

He takes a deep breath and says softly, "The surgery went very well but there's an ample chance that it will never be the same again. I'm so sorry."

"But…I'm a model." She mumbles helplessly. "I'm getting married."

Jackson holds her hand. "I'm so, so sorry, Miss Barrett."

She begins crying and grips Jackson's hand. "Oh, my God…" she says through her whimpers. "But she promised."

"What?"

"She—April promised I'll be okay. She said you're gonna fix me and I'll be okay. She said that. Oh, God…" She lets go of his hand and leans her head on her pillow.

Jackson fumes over. But he doesn't show that to Nina. As if the situation couldn't get any worse, April comes in.

"Hi." She greets. "I just want to check up on you." She says to Nina as she reaches the bed.

"You promised." Nina says accusingly.

It takes a moment for April to realize what Nina is talking about. She looks at Jackson, who glares at April. She turns back to Nina. "Nina, I'm so sorry. Really, I am." She holds Nina's hand, who, to her surprise, grips hers back. Nina's still crying but April just squeezes her hand to comfort her. "It'll get better. You'll get through this."

Jackson scoffs before he could stop himself. Unfortunately, April notices.

She says, an apologetic look on her face, "Jackson—"

"Doctors make it a point to declare promises to patients, Dr. Kepner." He says. "You're supposed to follow that."

April stared at him, her jaw tight. "Jackson," she lowers her voice, "can we not do this right now?"

"I'm just saying, you weren't supposed to do that. Much less to my patients." He glares at her icily. "You're not always right about everything."

Her lips part in shock. Jackson's not normally this cruel to anyone, especially to her. This is not like him.

Nina notices the tension between the two. "What is going on here?"

That seems to knock Jackson right back to reality. He averts his stare from April down to his chart.

April turns to Nina, "I'm so sorry, but I have to go." She lets go of Nina's hand and walks out of the room.

Since fills the room after April closes the door behind her. Then, Nina says as Jackson checks her heartbeat in silence. "You were cruel, you know."

He doesn't want to think about it, much less talk about it. He has his own shame and guilt to remind him of that. Instead, he says as he hangs his stethoscope around his neck. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

•••

After his shift, Jackson is walking at the parking lot, to his car. Unknown to him, April, still in her scrubs, actually followed him there.

"What the hell was that?!" She demands, her voice too loud at the empty lot.

Jackson stops walking all of sudden at the voice he knows too well. He's really not in the mood to deal with this.

Impatient, she snaps, "I asked you a question, Jackson."

He turns around, facing her. "It was nothing." He mutters.

"That is bullshit." She snaps.

He flinches a little. She rarely swears. She's clearly furious at him right now. But so is he. "What do you want from me, April?"

"If you're mad, then be mad. Just not when we're working, please!" She yells louder. She doesn't care if anyone hears her. She's done caring for what others think about her. "If you're gonna treat me like a little bitch, fine. I deserve it. But don't do it in front of patients. I'm a professional. You better start acting like one, too –"

Not taking it anymore, he bursts, "Shut up! Just shut up!"

She's about to say something, but he cuts her off.

"You've done enough already." He continues.

"I said I'm sorry about a million times already." She runs her hands through her hair. "God, Jackson, I know I screwed up. I'm well aware of that. You don't have to remind me every single time you get the chance."

"I can't believe you have the audacity to tell me what to do." He snaps at her.

"You hate me, I know, but you can't treat me like I'm nothing –"

"I can't hate you, April! Don't you understand the magnitude of that frustration? I can never hate you." His voice lowers as he stares at her intensely. "I want to but I can't."

He shakes head, breaking off his stare. He's no longer yelling, as if he's tired. He says sadly, "You've kept me in the dark for so long, you didn't turn to me when you were supposed to turn to me – those made me question if I'm actually important to you; as you were important to me."

April's mind speculates on the one word he vaguely said. She asks softly, "Were?"

Jackson stares at him, not saying a word. He knows he should say something, but a part of him is greatly tired of this. So instead, he says, "I can't do this anymore. I'm done."

He walks to his car and drives off, leaving April staring at the taillights of his car.

•••

Author's note: You probably hate Jackson right now. It's okay. He doesn't like himself either after this one.


	18. January 20, 2013

January 20, 2013

"In My Life" by The Beatles

_There are places I'll remember_

_All my life, though some have changed_

_Some forever not for better_

_Some have gone and some remain_

•••

April is sitting on a bench outside the hospital, a coffee in hand. She's been working since two in the morning. She thought of sleeping in the on-call room but it doesn't make any sense she's going to have rounds in a few minutes anyway. So now, she's just trying to enjoy the morning sun. Unfortunately, she couldn't focus.

It has been days since her last talk with Jackson. She managed to avoid him at all costs, which is one of the things she'd now grown accustomed to.

She closes her eyes and pinches between her eyes, as if it would shut off her exhaustion.

Unaware of a new presence before her, a voice startles her.

"Good morning, Dr. Kepner."

Her eyes flies open. The sight of the paramedic brings her straight into reality.

"Did a trauma come in? No one paged me—" She takes out her pager and looks down on it.

"Relax." Matthew says. "No trauma."

She looks relieved as she looks up at him. "Oh." She mumbles before sipping her drink. "What are you doing here, then?"

He shrugs. "Just wanted to say have a great day." He smiles at her then walks away.

April is taken aback but finds herself smiling also. At least some people are still nice to her.

•••

Jackson gets out of his car and starts walking toward the hospital when Stephanie joins him.

"Good morning." She kisses his cheek and loops her arm around his.

"Morning." Jackson grunts. The day's only starting but he feels like he's tired already.

Stephanie furrows her eyebrows. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He rubs his eye. "Just…uh, late night." He turns his head to the side and sees April, already in her scrubs, sitting on a bench alone, sipping her coffee and then smiling. She didn't seem to notice him. At least someone's happy.

•••

After treating to a patient in the ER, April walks to the nurse station and hands a chart to a nurse. Alex and Cristina are beside her, chatting over their clipboards in hand, both of whom are writing on it.

April's cellphone vibrates as she receives a text. She looks down on it.

Cristina is saying something when she gets distracted by a paramedic at the other side of the room. As he walks out of a trauma room, he smiles at the direction of Cristina. She furrows her eyebrows and points her pen at him.

"Who the hell is that? Why is he smiling at me like some weirdo?" She asks.

Alex looks at the paramedic then shrugs. He writes on his clipboard then walks away.

Cristina realizes that the paramedic's not smiling at her, but over her shoulder. She turns and sees April behind her, looking through her phone. She smirks.

"Hey, Kepner, what's going on?" She asks as she turns her body to April.

April mutters as she texts a reply. "My sister asking about this recipe for peanut butter cookies—seriously, doesn't she know that I'm a very busy person?"

"No, not that, idiot, I meant that paramedic grinning at you—most probably imagining what's under that scrubs." Cristina smirks as she cocks her head to Matthew.

April look across the room but Matthew is already walking out through the ER doors. "I just met him a few days ago. He's nice."

"And?"

"And nothing else." April says before walking away, too.

•••

Jackson is sitting on the stairs by the OR board, that night. He's been in the OR for the whole afternoon. He buries his face in his hands and sighs.

Meredith, holding her daughter in her arms, walks by. She examines the board and sees that Derek is still in surgery. She sighs and sees Jackson. She walks over to him and sits beside him.

Jackson looks up at her. "Hey, what's up?" He taps on Zola's arm, who's sitting on her mother's lap. She grips Jackson's finger.

"Just waiting for Derek." Meredith says. "So what's going on with you and April?"

"Wow, you really cut to the chase, huh?" Jackson chuckles a little as he leans on the stair behind him.

"Yeah, well, you two have been avoiding each other for a while now."

He purses his lips. "It's complicated."

"Please." She scoffs as she adjusts Zola in her arms. "I'm the definition of complicated. Try me."

He shakes his head.

Instead, she asks, "You wanna know what I think?"

"Not really," Jackson mumbles.

Regardless, she continues on. "This whole Stephanie thing? It's just a phase."

Now, he's getting annoyed at her. "Stay out of it, Meredith."

"I'm just saying—"

"Just because you and Derek are perfectly happy together for a quarter a century, doesn't mean you two are practically gods when it comes to relationships." He snaps at her.

"Hey," she says, "Derek and I went through hell to get to where we are right now. You just have to work on it."

"Who says I want to go there with April? I mean, for the last freaking time, I'm with Stephanie, not April. April and I are done, for good. And Stephanie…she's not just a phase. We're happy right now. I mean, who knows, she may be the one."

Meredith just purses her lips and says, "Okay."

Jackson stares at her. "Stop looking like that."

"Like what?" She says innocently.

"Like you're full of doubt." He says.

"I'm not."

"For God's sake, Mer—"

"Okay, I'll stop." She rolls her eyes.

•••

Jackson walks out of the hospital doors, all ready to go home, when he sees Stephanie talking to Leah. He walks over to her.

"Hey, Steph, can I borrow you?" He asks.

Stephanie looks at Leah, who just nods and walks back to the hospital.

"Let's head down to the bar." Jackson suggests.

For a moment, Stephanie doesn't say a thing.

"Or just go grab some late dinner instead." Jackson continues on. "How about that? I could tell you about my crappy day over the sushi rolls that I buy for you." He smiled at her hopefully.

Stephanie chuckles and shakes her head a little. "You are so weird."

"What?" He asks incredulously.

"For a moment, you're completely indifferent and then the next you're the sweetest guy I know."

He shrugs. "I guess that makes me a complex person."

"It really does." She agrees, letting a grin slip.

He stares at her for a moment.

"What?" She asks.

"Stephanie, if you can't put up with me, you _can_ end this, you know."

"I don't want to." She says softly. "I don't care if things are too complicated for you right now. The least I can do is take your mind off of those things every once in a while. That is, if you would let me."

Jackson doesn't want her to know. Because he himself doesn't even know what he's upset about. Because being mad at April for not telling him about the pregnancy a little earlier seems ridiculous now. So instead, he kisses Stephanie softly, letting her presence push those thoughts away.

•••

April, already on her way home, sees Matthew leaning on the wall of the building, talking on his phone. When she walks toward him, he mutters a few words and then brings down his phone. He smiles at her and she smiles back.

"Still here, huh?" April says, her hand slipping inside the pockets of her jacket.

"Not waiting for you, if that's what you're thinking." Matthew says coolly. He raises an eyebrow at her.

"That's not—"

"Face it, my charm is just too hard to resist."

"You think you're funny."

"Oh, I know I am." He says confidently.

April tries to stifle her laugh but fails.

He grins proudly. "Told ya."

She's about to say something but then, a couple of yards behind Matthew, she sees Jackson's familiar back hunched over and a pair of hands digging on his back. Her expression hardens as she watches the couple make out. They don't seem to notice the person watching them. Or care, for that matter.

Matthew looks confused. He starts to turn to see what April is seeing but she stops him.

"Matthew!"

He snaps his head back to her, his full attention to her.

April, not thinking straight, just acts on impulse and makes a rash decision. "I was thinking about taking you up on your original offer."

Matthew looks confused. "What—oh!" His eyes widen in surprise. "Okay. You mean, that coffee, right? How about tomorrow morning?"

"Or we could get drinks down at the bar tonight, instead?" April offers, trying her best not to look at Jackson and Stephanie again.

Matthew smiles. "I'd like that."

"Good. Let's go." Without another look at Jackson, she walks away, Matthew beside her.


	19. January 25, 2013

January 25, 2013

"My Beautiful Rescue" by This Providence

_And in the midst of this self-inflicted pain_

_I could see my beautiful rescue_

•••

Meredith and Jackson join Alex who is at the nurse station in the ER.

Jackson nods at him. "Hey." He grabs a chart and starts reading it.

Meredith stands beside Alex and leans on the counter, her eyes drifting to what Alex is watching, which is April laughing with Matthew outside the glass doors.

"Who's that dude?" Alex nods at Matthew.

"He's obviously one of the paramedics." Meredith answers.

"Who associates with the paramedics?"

"Well, we all know that April's friendly to everyone."

Alex snorts. "Oh, I beg to differ." He nods his head to Jackson, who is still looking down on the chart.

Jackson looks up and walks over to Meredith and Alex. "What are you guys talking about?"

Alex says, "Kepner hanging out with paramedics."

Jackson looks confused and follows what they're watching. His lips part as he watches April laugh with the paramedic.

"Well, at least she's moving on." Meredith says. "And to be fair, he is kind of cute…in that annoying boy-next-door kind of way."

Alex eyes Jackson. "What do you think, Avery?"

Jackson turns to him. "If he's cute?"

"No, moron," Alex rolls his eyes, "about her moving on?"

Jackson turns back to April. He mumbles, "Good for her," and finds it true.

Then he walks away. Meredith just shrugs and follows him out.

•••

"Wanna go grab some dinner later?" Matthew asks casually as he sips his coffee.

April looks uncomfortable. She asks awkwardly, "As in on, uh, a date?"

He smiles, "It'll be whatever you want it to be."

"Oh."

"There's this Chinese place that has the best spare ribs that you just have to try." He continues on.

_Chinese place_, she thinks, _that's _not_ really a romantic place to go to._ "Sure, let's hang later."

"Great! I'll wait for you here after our shifts."

"Right, okay. Um, I have to go." She squeezes his arm and goes into the hospital.

•••

April and Bailey are sitting at the nurse station, working quietly. April looks up from the clipboard that's she's writing on and eyes the doctor beside her, who is working on the computer.

"So, Dr. Bailey, how's the married life going for you?" She asks.

"Fine." Bailey mutters, her eyes not leaving the screen.

"My life's not so bad right now either." April shares, smiling slightly. "I mean, it's not exactly great but it's getting there, y'know?"

"You don't say." Bailey says indifferently. But still, April seems unfazed by it.

"In fact, I met this guy and he's super nice. A real gentleman, you know?"

"And I'm supposed to care because?" Bailey cares for her co-workers, that's for sure. She'd go beyond the borders, if they needed her help. But that only meant _serious_ help. Other than that – the petty stuff such as dating – she couldn't care less.

"Nothing like the other guys I've ever been with."

"Why am I hearing all of this right now?"

"But we're not dating, if that's what you're thinking."

Bailey looks at her. "Avery holding you back?"

She shrugs. "Maybe. I don't know. What do you think?"

"You're seriously asking me that?" Bailey turns back to her computer.

"It's just," April sighs, "he's Jackson and he's my best friend and he's been the only guy in my life for so long. He's him and that's…I don't know. He's Jackson and he's important and that may never change—"

She stops talking when Bailey stands up and leaves without another word to her.

April sighs and turns back to her chart. "You're on your own." She mutters to herself as she writes.

•••

"Right? It's good, isn't it?"

Matthew says as he watches April eat a spoonful of the spare ribs.

She chews and swallows. She says, "It's fine." She shrugs nonchalantly and sips her iced tea. "I mean, it's not bad." She says sarcastically but is unable to stop herself from grinning.

He laughs as he continues eating. "I guess there'll be numerous visits here in the future?"

"Oh, I'm not coming back here. They have the worst spare ribs." She says, loud enough for a passing waitress overhears her. The waitress glares at her. April bows her head embarrassingly. Matthew laughs more at her.

April shakes head. She stares at him. He's still smiling at her. He's always smiling, but not up to the point that it's annoying. Just enough to pass it on to her. She needs that right now.

"What? April, you're staring." He says.

"You're a really good friend, Matthew." She says then continues eating.

He smiles and nods at her. "Glad to be at your service."


	20. February 12, 2013

February 12, 2013

"Vegas" by All Time Low

_Without a doubt, you're all I dream about_

•••

Weeks pass. April continues hanging out with Matthew, though as friends only. She and Jackson kind of just fade away. Other than work, they don't talk at all. Though this distressed April, Matthew has been a helpful distraction.

Now, they're standing at the line to but their lunch, trays in hand.

"How's your day so far?" Matthew asks April as he grabs a box of sandwich for April. He puts it on her tray and then grabs his.

"Slow." April shrugs. "Though I do have a surgery for this afternoon." They walk on to the drinks section. He fixes a coffee for himself while April grabs a bottle of iced tea.

"Uh, yeah? It's for that 28-year-old in a motorcycle accident that I brought you this morning, right?" He pays for their lunch then they walk on an empty table.

April nods as she opens her box of sandwich. They eat.

Jackson is sitting with Alex on the other side of the room. He couldn't stop himself from looking at April every now and then.

Alex grows irritated by the action though. "Dude, could you quit that? It's bad enough that you're whipped for Kepner. You can't make it worse by being too obvious."

Jackson glares at him. "I am not whipped."

Alex smirks. "Sure." He says doubtfully and continues eating his lunch.

"I'm just—I'm just cautious, okay? We don't know anything about that guy. I mean, who is he really?" Jackson snaps as he leans back on his chair. His eyes passes on April and Matthew laughing and quickly averts his stare.

"Well, for one, his goofy smile is too annoyingly innocent to be seriously sketchy."

"Looks could be deceiving." Jackson points out.

"No one other than you cares, man. So let it go. Besides, you're not supposed to care anyway, so." Alex shrugs.

This shuts Jackson up.

•••

After their dinner in that small, Chinese place near April's apartment that they had grown to love, Matthew walks her home.

"You have work tomorrow?" He asks her as they walk down the hall to her apartment door.

April laughs. "You know perfectly well I always have work."

He nods. Then he lets out a shaky exhale. "Right. Stupid question."

April has been noticing his nervousness all night. So she asks, "Are you all right?"

They reach her door and stops walking.

Matthew just nods.

She remains unconvinced but lets it go. "So this was fun. I'll see you tomorrow?"

Matthew stares at her. "Y-yeah. Definitely."

April nods and then slips her key to her doorknob. She sends Matthew one last smile before walking in. Halfway through, Matthew suddenly pulls her arm.

"Wha—"

Then he kisses her. She's surprised, of course. She's about to push him away but when he gently pushes her against the side of the doorway, she finds herself deepening and getting lost in the kiss. She could feel his finger slipping in her shirt and bare skin, but he pulls away too quickly.

He bites his lower lip, his chest going up and down. "Good night."

He leaves after that, leaving April speechless.


	21. February 13, 2013

February 13, 2013

"Shake it Out" by Florence + the Machine

_It's always darkest before the dawn_

•••

As Jackson and April leave a patient's room during rounds, they stare at each other for a second before Jackson speaks up.

"I'll have Wilson prep the patient and get an OR ready for this afternoon."

April feels too awkward and just meekly nods then she walks away, only to walk straight into Matthew. Her eyes widen in surprise as she remembers the kiss from the night before.

"Matthew!" She says too loudly. "What're—what are you doing here?"

Jackson sees them and just purses his lips as he walks away.

Matthew seems unfazed by it. He just shrugs. "Just thought I might run into you here. Literally."

April laughs awkwardly. Then she says too quickly, "I have to go. I have a surgery and whatnot." She tries not to sound like she just wants to get away but she clearly fails.

Matthew frowns a little but clears it off with a smile. "Alright. I'll let you get back to your surgery and whatnot."

She starts to walk away in relief but he catches her arm.

"I am gonna have to get used to that." She says before she could stop herself. She blushes in embarrassment as she looks down.

He smiles wider. "So I'll definitely see you later? I was kind of hoping we could talk about last night."

Cristina walks by the nearby nurse station to place a chart on the shelf, just in time for her to hear that last comment. She raises her eyebrow at April.

April looks nervous. "Y-yeah. I'll, uh, text you. When I get off."

Matthew just nods and is about to walk away when he turns back to her. He leans down to her ear and mumbles, "You're pretty cute, you know, when you blush." Then he walks away.

When he's gone, April sighs in relief and starts walking away too, unaware of Cristina in tow.

"Kepner, you dirty, dirty girl." Cristina comments.

April widens her eyes. "Excuse me?"

Cristina laughs. "So you screwed the paramedic, there's nothing to ashamed of." She waves her hand. "Except about the part where he's a freaking paramedic."

"I did not sleep with him."

Meredith soon joins them, walking on April's other side. "You're talking about Jackson?" She asks as she reads down on her chart.

"Why is it automatically him?" April questions her.

"Because he's the guy who deflowered you." Meredith deadpans. She looks up as she closes the chart and tucks it under her arm.

April snaps, "Don't ever say that out loud again."

"We're talking about that paramedic." Cristina says, smirking.

Meredith nods in recognition.

"The paramedic has a name and it's Matthew!" April exclaims.

"No one cares, he's the paramedic." Cristina shrugs. "So what did you two do last night? Just third base?"

"Ooh, April, you bad girl." Meredith teases, grinning.

"I said I didn't sleep with him!"

"So second?" Cristina asks.

"So long as it's not the first base." Meredith says seriously. "You can't be a prude."

April groans in frustration. She pushes them both away from her sides and walks ahead of them.

Cristina snorts. "She'll get the paramedic in a week."

•••

As Jackson and April work in the OR, the room is filled with silence, which is every bit of unusual for a hospital abundant of chatty doctors.

Ben's there for a visit and he decided to do some work as well, as he waits for Bailey's shift to finish.

Ben clears his throat and asks, just to break the awkward silence. "So, Dr. Kepner, you started preparing for the boards yet?"

April looks at him briefly before turning back down to her work. "Yes. As a matter of fact, I did." She chuckles a little. "Can't afford to fail again and stand idly by while my entire career starts crumbling down." She laughs it off awkwardly when everyone in the room stares at her.

"Get your head in the game, that's how it is, right? No interruptions and all." Ben says, nodding.

Jackson meets April's eyes for a second before looking down.

"I-I agree." April says.

It's silent again. Then a cellphone rings. Jackson gets distracted. "Whose is that?" He asks irritably.

A nurse looks at the phone on the table by the wall.

She states. "It's Dr. Kepner's."

"Who's calling?" April asks.

"It says Matthew."

April looks embarrassed. Jackson's stare flickers to her.

April swallows hard then says, "Shut it off, please."

"Yes, ma'am."

April clears her throat. "Sorry about that."

Ben smirks. "Ignoring the call. What could this Matthew character have possibly done so wrong?"

"If you are not aware," April starts off, "I am very busy right now for some petty, 7th grade chat about things I don't even want to talk about." She snaps too loudly.

This time, Jackson does not hide his stare at April, who grows even more uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry," she says, "let's just get back to work, shall we?"

She doesn't wait for an answer as she averts everyone's stares (mostly Jackson's) and continues to work.

•••

After surgery, April and Jackson are washing their hands in complete silence. Jackson keeps looking at her, but she just looks down, scrubbing her hands too hard that she won't be surprised if she parches off her skin.

While wiping off her hands, she breaks the silence.

"I'll do post-ops, I'm not that busy anyway." April offers.

"Okay. Thanks." He says.

She just nods then is about to leave when he calls for her so suddenly.

"April."

She looks back at him with an expectant expression. But Jackson just stares at her, unable to get any words out. Instead, he shakes his head.

"Forget it."

He turns his back to throw away his towel, not looking back until he is sure April is gone.

•••

April is standing outside of the hospital, both her hands inside her jacket pockets. She's shivering in the cold night, but she barely notices it as she's lost in her jumbled thoughts.

Matthew walks up to her and smiles. "Evening, April."

April smiles back a little. "Hi."

"So…" he starts off, "the kiss."

"Yeah." She laughs awkwardly.

"Look, April, if you don't want to go down that road, I completely understand." Matthew says sincerely.

April just stares at him, not knowing what to say.

"It's just that, I've wanted to do that for so long," he continues on, "but I felt like I had to wait. You know, for you to get over that other guy." He takes a deep breath. "I don't know what happened between you two, nor does it concern me. I just want you to know that you're a really incredible person and that's all I see in you."

She finds herself smiling at him, the smile very genuine. She tried so hard to be patient for Jackson because he deserves the time and space but she can't help but be tired of letting everything pull her down, not when there are people who are more than willing to help her get up.

•••

Jackson wakes up suddenly. He looks around the unfamiliar room then leans his head on the pillow again. He rubs his eyes before opening them wider. He sits up and twists his body to drop his feet on the carpeted floor. He shifts around to glance at his girlfriend's sleeping frame. He sighs. He stands up and walks to the large window, navigating through his darkened bedroom in just his pajama bottoms. The curtains and window were half-open and looks at the view of the Seattle skyline. It's one of his favorite sights. The wind gushes through his apartment but he doesn't bother to close the windows. He sighs again.

His mind hasn't been clear in weeks. And he knows perfectly well that this has everything to with what's been happening between him and April – all the secrets built and frustrations bottled up. He understands perfectly well that the concrete reason why he's acting the way he's acting is because he can't function well without his best friend. That much he knows and he just wants to get past this – he'll take anything, even if it means he can move on fully without her, be content. He just doesn't want to deal with this anymore.

•••

After their dinner, Matthew walked April up to her apartment door. He nods at her. "'Night, April."

Before he could start walking away, April walks closer to him, cups his neck and pulls him down for a kiss.


	22. February 16-17, 2013

February 16-17, 2013

"Cosmic Love" by Florence + the Machine

_I took that stars from my eyes and then I made a map_

_And knew that somehow, I could find my way back_

•••

April is standing at the ER nurses station, doing charts. Suddenly, there's a coffee being put beside the chart on the counter. She smiles up at Matthew as he leans down to kiss her cheek.

"Thank you." She took a sip of the coffee. Skim latte with two sugars—just the way she likes it. She smiles at the fact that Matthew already knows how she takes her coffee, when she knows for a fact that he hasn't asked her about it.

"Good morning." He greets her.

"Hey. Any trauma for me today?"

He shook his head. "It's pretty quiet this morning. I just brought in a 14-year-old who had quite the fall during gymnastics meet. Chief Hunt's on it. Other than that, none."

April nods and closes the chart she's working on and gathers it in her arm.

"Well, I have rounds, so." She touches his arm as she speaks.

"I'll see you tonight, right?"

"Definitely." She nods. "Have a good day."

"You, too."

He pecks her lips before he walks away, turning his head to smile at her briefly. She smiles back before taking the coffee in her hand and getting back to her own work.

Jackson, who's fixing a deep cut on a patient from across the room, sees the whole exchange. He didn't know that they were dating now. But then again, he doesn't know much about April's life now, not like when he used to know every little thing that's happening to her. Things have changed and he doesn't have control of that.

•••

After their shift, April and Matthew meets up at the bar. They're sitting at a table and talking animatedly.

Jackson discreetly watches them by the bar counter, continually sipping his beer. Stephanie has a night shift, so he's on his own. Or so he thought.

Alex joins him. "Isn't Kepner a sight for sore eyes tonight?" He smirks. He says that in a teasing voice.

Jackson glares. "I wasn't staring at her."

"I didn't say anything about staring at her." Alex says innocently.

"Well, you implied it."

"Well, you outright said it."

Jackson scoffs, defeated. "Whatever." He grumbles.

Alex changes the subject. "Where's Edwards?"

"Night shift."

Jackson cuts another glance at April, who's now absentmindedly playing with the sleeve of Matthew's sweatshirt, still chatting with him.

Alex laughs beside him. Jackson looks at him.

"Dude, you're so whipped." Alex says. "It's pathetic."

"I am not—"

"You totally are. She has you wrapped around her tiny finger and has no damn clue about it."

"I'm just thinking as her friend."

Alex snorts. "Oh, like you two are friends."

Jackson glares again, but disregards that comment. He goes on, "And what I think is that that Matthew guy is full of crap."

"Or you are."

Jackson scoffs. "Why am I talking to you about this?"

"Because you have no one else." Alex answers easily. "Because up until you knocked up Kepner and almost screwed up her life, you have her to talk to and now you don't."

"I'm fine on my own."

"I know that." Alex sips his beer. "It's just—look, I don't do this much, so you listen up. You better muster up that big ass ego of yours and threw it out 'cause it's obvious that you want her back in your life." He pauses, then adds, "Only God knows why you want that, though."

Jackson looks doubtful. "This coming from you, of all people?"

Alex shrugs and sips his beer. "Let's just say I went through the same kind of hell a few years back."

"Was she worth it?"

Alex is silent for a few seconds. Then he says wistfully and almost sadly, "She sure was."

Then he drinks the rest his beer, ordering another one with the bottle still held up to his mouth.

Jackson sighs. Instead, he downs his scotch and orders two shots of tequila.

Alex looks at him quizzically.

Jackson shrugs. "Drink to forget." He says as the bartender sets the two shot glasses in front of him.

Alex takes the other shot.

•••

First shot.

Third shot.

Ninth shot.

By the tenth shot, Jackson's mind was blurred. He stopped looking at April since he started taking shots. He hadn't even notice them leave. Alex joined him in the drinking, both of their asses glued to the bar stools for the whole night. But Alex left earlier, claiming in a slur that he's a homeowner now and getting drunk on tequila at a bar is not very homeowner-esque.

Jackson stays longer. He takes shot after shot alone and turns each small glass upside down to join the tower of glasses that he made.

After a while, he checks his watch, it says half-past one. Suddenly, he feels very alone. It's sissy to even think about it, but it's true. He wants someone with him right now.

He stands up, stumbling a little, and he walks towards the exit. He even left his jacket, but he didn't notice it. He walks to his car—amazingly, even remembered where he parked it—and fumbles with the keys. He drives off, letting his instincts get to work, what he should've done a long time ago, rather than having his mind rationalize every little thing.

Jackson goes into a familiar apartment building. He'd only been there a few times, but even his very drunk self remembered. He goes into the elevator and takes the time to decide which button to press. He stares at the numbers before pressing the number that somehow stood out from the others. The door dings and he goes out. He studies the number on the doors as he walks along the hallway. He stops suddenly when he notices a familiar rug by the door. Without another moment past, he knocks (more like, bangs) on the door.

Seconds later, the door opens and reveals a flustered April, seemingly straight from the shower. His eyes travel from her dripping hair and flustered face, to the light pink cotton bathrobe that ends just above her knee, down to her bare feet. He stares at her pale feet. She's doesn't have nail polish and her nails are also somehow pale that it could barely be seen. Or maybe it's just him and his drunken hazy sight. He couldn't help but think that she has really cute feet—thin and small—really girly. What the hell. He's thinking about her goddamn feet.

"Jackson?"

He looks up at her.

She sighs. "Jackson, I don't want to do this right now. Go home."

He stared at her. "Hi, April." He mumbles softly. He leans on the side of the door, painfully close to her but not actually touching.

She stares at him hard, her eyebrows furrowed. "Are you drunk?"

He nods. "Guilty." He smiles sheepishly.

"And you drove here? On your own?"

"Yeah—I came here."

"Oh, God." She sighs as she tries to push her damp hair from her face.

Jackson dawns on a new realization. He came here. When he's drunk and vulnerable and his inhibitions are low—he instinctively comes to the person he really truly wants to see. "I came here, to see you, April."

"Yeah, I can see that." She says slightly hysterically.

"No, you don't understand, April. I came here. That's got to count for something." He says.

April stares at him, lost for words. Then she smells the lingering scent of tequila from Jackson's breath. It sets her mind up and going again. "Get in." She steps aside.

He comes into the apartment.

She says, "I'll go change and drive you home. Don't go anywhere."

He merely nods and crashes onto her couch. April walks to the other side of her studio, to her dresser. She gathers her clothes and goes into the bathroom to change. When she goes out, she takes the coat draped over the footboard of the bed and wears it. She walks to the living room and looks at Jackson. She scoffs when she sees him asleep, his long body slightly distorted on the rather small couch. She walks over to him.

"Oh, you can't be serious." April mutters under her breath as she sits on the chair beside the couch. She stares at Jackson's sleeping face.

_I came here. That's got to count for something_.

Does it really? He probably just got used to running to her for everything. His trashed self just hadn't gotten used to their current situation. Usually, in a heartbeat, she would let him into the apartment, offer the couch for the night for him and make him breakfast and give him lots of coffee the next day. Maybe she could do that?

She leans back on the comfortable chair. She closes her eye as she thinks but it stays close until after a few hours.

•••

When Jackson wakes up, he squints at the sunlight coming through the sheer, lacy curtains on the large window parallel to the couch he was sleeping on. In addition to his pounding headache, his back hurt from the cramped lying position on the small couch. He sits up as he rubs his eyes. He's still wearing the clothes from the day before, down to his shoes. He sighs and when he opens his eyes widely, he sees what's in front of him: the familiar window and a small table by it, frames littering the surface. He sees a picture of him and April. She's sitting on the edge of the couch in Meredith's house and he's on the arm. He's leaning his head down on April's head, with beers in hand and huge smiles on their faces. This was taken on one Christmas, he remembers well.

His heart suddenly pounds harder than his headache. He turns his head and sees April curled up on the chair beside the couch. She's wearing a coat over sweatpants, but no shoes, only socks. What in the world happened last night? How the hell did he end up here in April's apartment, of all places?

He buries his face in his hands. He tries to recall the events of last night. He drank a few shots with Alex, up until his mind is numb. But April was there, or at least earlier in the night, with Matthew. Did she bring him home? He has no idea.

Jackson looks at her again. Her red curls are unruly and covers half of her face. He fights the urge to gently push it back from her face. He can't be here. He's not mad at her, but she is mad at him. That he knows for sure. Why couldn't she be? He acted like a complete asshole to her these past few weeks.

Deciding on a concrete plan, he stands up and quietly starts walking to the door, but he hears her shift and mumbles groggily, "Jackson?"

He freezes. He closes his eyes for a second before facing her. "April." He breathed out. He's suddenly very nervous.

"You're sneaking out on me?" She asks directly.

He doesn't say a word. She sighs. Disappointingly, he notes.

"After you come in here well past midnight and I let you sleep here, you sneak out on me." It is a statement, not a question. She scowls. "Without so much as a thank you."

"I—" He tries to explain but he couldn't think rationally. He just stands there helplessly.

April takes her coat off, revealing a butter yellow cotton sweatshirt. She stares up at him, waiting. She grows irritated at him right now.

"I'm sorry to barge in on you like this." He says sincerely. "I had no right."

"Damn right, you don't." She snaps.

He flinches a little. Not because he has a monster hangover and her voice sounded too loud in his head but because a pissed-off April rarely comes and he's never used to it. Even in the mist of this somewhat fight between them. He doesn't say a thing as shame flows through him.

April stares up at him and sighs. She doesn't want to be mad right now. She stands up and walks to the small kitchen. "You want breakfast?" She asks as she opens her fridge. More like because it's what she naturally does when someone's over, she offers food.

First, he's comes here unannounced then he eats breakfast with her in the morning? He would've been okay—happy, even—to those things a few months ago, but not now. "April, you don't have to do that. You don't have to be the bigger person every time."

April closes the door of the fridge and turns to him. "Are you seriously scolding at me right now?" She asks coldly.

"I am not—"

"Get out." She says firmly.

She doesn't need to say anything more. Jackson leaves.

As he walks down the hall, he stops. He thinks a little then walks back to April's door, faster this time.

He knocks, his hand shaking as he does it.

April is still by the kitchen and she walks to the door. She looks through the peephole and she sees Jackson. She couldn't believe he has the audacity to do this with her right now. Before she could tell him to leave, he says something through the door that stops her.

"April, I'm sorry."

It's not the statement, but the tone. He sounds sad and defeated but still trying. He seems to know that she's on the other side of the door because he continues on.

"I'm sorry about how I've been treating you, way before this whole pregnant fiasco started—even before the boards."

April doesn't understand. He had done nothing wrong back then.

Jackson's not sure of what he's doing right now, but the words just keeps going, he couldn't stop. "You were my best friend. I relied on you, too much. I always expected you to be there for me—which you were. And I took advantage of that—I took your loyalty and kindness and-and—I took you for granted, April. I knew that for a long time but I disregarded it, prided myself that I'll be there for you, too, so I'm not the only one who was dependent. But thing is, I WASN'T there for you. Right when you needed me the most—I wasn't. I acted like an angry ex-boyfriend when I should've been a concerned best friend. I was ignorant and selfish and stupid—I was an asshole. A complete asshole to you. I'm really sorry."

April could feel her tears falling down her cheeks. She still doesn't say a thing. She couldn't bring herself to. Besides, she has no idea what to say, her mind completely blank.

"I told myself that I don't need you. I wanted to hate you." He shakes his head as he lets out a hollow laugh. "Who am I kidding? I can never hate you." Jackson sighs in defeat. He leans on the door. He knows that she's there and she's listening. "I was stupid enough to even try to hate you. I just…I k-kind of miss you." He stammers on the words, as if saying them is a really big deal to him. "I want things to go back to the way they were. Back when you were my best friend and I was yours. We can put aside everything that's…complicated and focus on what's uncomplicated—whatever it takes. Because I really need you in my life, April. I know it's a lot to ask but just think about it. PLEASE."

The door is still closed. Jackson waits for a moment. Still nothing.

He sighs as he is about to walk away but the door opens suddenly and April, her eyes welling up tears, moves closer to him and wraps her arms around his neck. He buries his face in her hair as he hugs her back tightly. They don't say a word for that moment.

•••

Author's note: I hope you readers are not mad about how the story went. I just feel like April and Jackson needed to relapse to their platonic friendship, since it's what they're best at when it comes to each other. At least, that's what I think. One thing's for sure, though: it doesn't end here. Whether it's a good or bad ending, this is not it. It's only a matter of when and how.


	23. February 20, 2013

"God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys

_God only knows what I'd be without you_

•••

The days after were better. April and Jackson are finally past their, for lack of better word, debacle and are friends again, back to normal. Though they are finally good again, they did steer clear of the complicated things – namely, her pregnancy and miscarriage, Stephanie, Matthew and their past as a couple. It's not good to ignore things—they know that—but it keeps them good together and happy.

Matthew is a complete gentleman and the more time April spent with him, the more she liked him.

One Wednesday morning, Jackson is walking from the coffee cart inside the hospital. The other one is meant for April. Since Stephanie's very busy this time for their usual morning meet-ups, he thinks he might as well have coffee with April at the start of yet another busy day.

He steps inside the half-filled elevator and the doors are about to close when Alex slips inside.

He nods to Jackson. "Hey. Edwards is pretty busy up in peds right now for a quickie after coffee, so."

Jackson rolls his eyes. "I happen to know that already. And don't say quickie ever again."

Alex just shrugs. "Who's the coffee for, then?"

"April."

Alex laughs a little. "Dude, she has a boyfriend? That paramedic that looked like a wuss?"

"That means I can't bring her coffee?"

"No, it means you can't put the moves on a girl who sees every date she had a step closer to marriage." Alex points out.

"We're just friends now." Jackson says. "That's a completely valid reason to bring her coffee."

Alex snorts. "This is so not gonna end well."

The door opens and Alex steps out. Jackson just rolls his eyes.

•••

April is walking by the elevators when Matthew comes out of it. They both smile at each other and he leans down to give her morning kiss and coffee.

The two steps aside of the way as they talk. April runs her hand up and down his arm absentmindedly.

"How's your day so far?" April asks.

Matthew chuckles. "It's only starting, April. And my duty's not up until in a few minutes."

April rolls her eyes as she sips her coffee.

The doors open and Jackson comes out. His eyes widen at the sight of April talking to Matthew a few yards away, sipping the coffee she clearly got from him. Embarrassed, Jackson turns around and throws April's supposed coffee in the trash before facing the music.

"Morning, April." He greets brightly.

He sips his coffee as he nods to Matthew. "Matthew."

Matthew smiles back and so did April.

"Hi, Jackson." April turns to him slightly.

It gets awkward until Matthew speaks up.

"Well, I have to go." He turns to April and pecks her lips. Jackson looked down. "Bye." He nods at Jackson. "Dr. Avery."

Then he leaves, stopping the elevator doors from closing before slipping inside and disappearing in sight.

Jackson and April begin walking in the opposite direction.

"Any interesting surgery today?" Jackson asks.

"No. Which is actually a good thing, because I have to study for the boards."

"Oh, yeah." He nods. "Want some help with that? I won't do anything to mess with your focus, I promise."

He laughs but it quickly falters when she didn't join him. She just raises her eyebrows at him. He clears his throat.

"Forget I said anything." He mumbles.

"I will do just that."

So much for steering clear of the complicated stuff.

•••

During lunch, Jackson joins Meredith, Alex and Cristina at the table. Jackson is just carrying an apple. He bites into it as he nods at the three.

Meredith, who's sitting on his right, grins and says to him, "So I have some news."

Jackson raises his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah?"

"I'm pregnant." She beams.

"That's fantastic!" Jackson booms and he gives her a hug. When he pulls away, he sees Cristina and Alex grinning also. They must've found out before he did.

"Yeah." Meredith says, still smiling wide.

"How far along are you?" Jackson asks.

"Eight weeks."

"It took you two months to say something?"

"Oh, shut up, Jackson." Meredith rolls her eyes. "Be happy for me, there's going to another Grey-Shepherd in the family."

"Oh, I am." Jackson says, patting Meredith's shoulder. He looks around the table. "Where's April?"

"Dunno, but can you tell her the news?" Meredith puts a fry in her mouth. "I don't think I can handle her squealing. Even if I am very happy myself."

He rolls his eyes. Lucky enough, he happens to know exactly where to find April at this hour. He stands up, "Later."

•••

April sits alone in the file room. She's on the floor between two shelves, surrounded by folders of past surgeries that the hospital had.

Her phone suddenly rings. She groans. "Not a very good time."

She fishes it out of her pocket and answers it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, April, what are you doing right now?" It's Matthew.

"Studying, why?"

"Oh." His voice falls. "Never mind, then."

As much as she wants to go back to her studying, she couldn't resist asking, "No, what is it?"

"I was just wondering if we could have lunch together, but you're busy and I understand that."

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Oh, yeah, totally. Study hard for me."

"O-kay." She laughs.

"Though I will see you later, right?" Matthew asks hopefully.

"I don't know, I'm pretty swamped…"

Matthew sounds very disappointed. "Oh, that's fine, I guess—"

April laughs again. "Matthew, I'm kidding. I promise we'll see each other later."

Suddenly, Jackson appears in the room and April spots him. She smiles up at him.

"I guess I can live with that." Matthew grumbles but she knows that he's just kidding.

April laughs again. "Good for you. I have to go. Bye."

She hangs up as Jackson leans on the shelf, his arms crossed.

"How did you find me here?" April asks as she looks down on the opened folder on her lap.

Jackson shrugs. "You've been going here a couple of times a day, it's not that hard to figure it out."

"Well, then you perfectly know that I am very busy."

He sits down in front of her.

She looks up again and sighs. "Yes, Jackson?"

"I'll help you."

"With what?"

"Your boards. I'll help you study."

She shakes her head. "You don't have to do that."

"As I see it, I kind of do." Jackson points out.

She gives him a small smile. "It wasn't your fault I failed the first time."

"But it's gonna be my doing that you pass this time around." He cocks his head. "Well, partly. Oh, and Meredith's pregnant." He adds.

"Really? Oh, that's great!" She beams then she adds, "And besides, you're a fellow now. You don't have the time."

He shrugs. "Sloan had the time for me."

April protests, "Jackson—"

"Just let me do it, okay? I owe it to you."

She gives him a look. "You don't owe me anything. How long has Mer been pregnant?"

"You're gonna want my help, trust me." Jackson says confidently. "Eight weeks."

"I-I don't know—" She leans back on the shelf behind her. "And really? She's only telling us now?"

"We'll study, day and night, with every bit of time we can get to ourselves. And then come boards, you'll kick that test's ass and pass with flying colors."

April smiles, giving in. "I suppose I do could use some help."

"Exactly."


	24. February 26, 2013

"Outlines" by All Time Low

_I'm just a moment, so don't let me pass you by_

•••

"Good morning." April greets the people in the attending lounge as she comes in. She walks over to the table and puts down a large rectangular plate.

Bailey, who standing by the table, asks, "What's that?"

April beams. She takes the aluminum foils off and reveals lemon squares. "Oh, it's just something for Mer—'cause she's pregnant and all. I know it's a few days late but whatever."

Meredith, who's sitting on the couch, smiles at April. "Thanks, April."

"Sure thing."

Alex walks over to it and grabs one of the already cut up squares. He shoves the whole thing in his mouth. "This is amazing." He says, his mouth full. April cringes. He grabs another two and makes his way for the door.

By the time the others are through getting, the plate is already half-empty. They leave after that, mumbling 'thanks' to April. But Jackson stays behind.

He swallows and says, "So, lemon squares, huh?"

April shrugs then she takes her sweater off and reveals a white camisole that she's wearing underneath. "Just thought I make them, y'know?" She puts on her scrub shirt. Then she uses the opened locker door as cover as she takes her jeans off and replaces them with scrub pants. She closes the door with her hips and pulls her hair from under her shirt. She looks at Jackson, who's sitting at the table, looking through his phone. "Besides," she continues on.

He looks up at her.

"I was bored last night so I baked instead." She says as she sits down on the bench and ties her shoes.

Jackson nods but he knows that's not really the reason why she made them. He knows that she's still feeling a little guilty for her mean behavior a few weeks back. But it doesn't matter. He's just happy that the old April is slowly coming back. Well, at least some parts of her. He asks, "We still on for tonight?"

She looks up, now finished tying her shoes. "Definitely."

Jackson smiles. He's definitely happy that everything's good between them. Even if it's just for a moment.


	25. February 27, 2013

"Have Faith in Me" by A Day to Remember

_So cling to what you know_

_And never let go_

•••

"Okay, okay, okay."

April falls on her couch, admitting defeat. It's around three in the morning, which marks the fifth hour of her studying. Jackson, true to his word, works with her through and through. This has been the sixth time in a row that they studied all night.

Jackson's sitting beside April, abandons the index cards on his opposite side and sighs. "I think we're done for tonight."

"Yeah, I guess we are." Then she groans as she remembers. "I have a seven o'clock surgery tomorrow."

He laughs as he turns to her. "Well, you better get some sleep then. Or you'll fall asleep during the operation, puncture the patient's heart with the scissors, he'll die and your career crumbles down. Board passer or not."

"That's…not a very good thought, Jackson."

He shrugs. "I'm just being realistic."

April laughs. Then she stands up. "You're right. I should sleep. You're gonna be fine driving this time of the night?" She briefly looks down on her watch. "Or morning."

"Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

April shrugs. "I don't know, maybe you'll fall asleep by the wheel, your car swerves off a cliff then crashes in a huge rock. The wheel goes straight through your chest and you die within the moment."

"That's a really terrible thought."

April laughs. "You can sleep here, if you want." She offers. "Then drive off in the morning."

He looks hesitant. "Are you sure that's okay?"

"Yeah. With all the help you've been giving me, the least I could do is to provide you a couch to sleep on."

Jackson smiles, but despite that, he's internally kicking himself for thinking that they could share the same bed. "Okay. Yeah, that'll be great, actually. I'm kind of beat."

"I'll get you a blanket and a pillow." She turn/ toward the direction of her bed and opens her closet. She takes out a blanket then grabs a pillow from her bed. She walks up to him and gives it.

"Here. Sleep tight."

April walks back to her drawer, takes out her clothes then walks to her bathroom, closing the door behind her. Jackson settles himself. He takes off his hoodie and is left in his thin, navy blue shirt. He lies down on the couch just as April emerges from her bathroom, wearing a white camisole and flannel pajama bottoms. She smiles at him from across the room.

"Night, Jackson." She says as she snuggled under her white bed cover.

"Good night." Jackson mumbles.

•••

Later, after her surgery, April sits on one of the benches outside the hospital and is studying off of her index cards. After a while, she brings down the cards. She sighs and closes her eyes. Suddenly someone cups her cheek and kisses her lips. Her eyes fly open.

Matthew smiles at her. "Morning, beautiful."

April giggles as he sits down next to her. "Hey." She loops her arm in his and leans her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes again.

He kisses her hair and mumbles against it. "You tired already? It's barely noon."

"I was up late last night, studying then had an early surgery this morning." She explains.

"Hmm." Matthew hums. "You need a breather. Let's go out tonight."

April chuckles. "I'll have to check with my sort-of mentor first."

Matthew's eyes furrow. "Mentor?"

"Jackson's been helping me study." She turns her head and rests her chin on his shoulder instead.

"So he's the one you've been spending all week with, then?" He raises his eyebrow playfully.

"Does it bother you? We're just friends, you know."

"No." He says softly. "So long as it's studying you're doing, right?"

April brings her head up and kisses his neck before his cheek then finally, his lips.

"Of course."

•••

Jackson is sitting in front of the computer at the nurse station. April walks up to him and sits on the counter, beside the monitor.

"So I'm thinking of having a night off." She says as she crosses her foot with the other.

Jackson's eyes don't leave the screen as he types. "You want me to authorize your night off?" He mocks seriously.

She playfully smacks his shoulder. He's barely moved by it.

"I meant a night off of studying." April clears.

"To hang out with Matthew?"

"Just about, yeah."

Jackson turns to her. "He's your boyfriend, April, it's not like I have a say in that, right?"

April disregards that comment. Jackson turns back to the computer.

"And it's perfect 'cause you get to hang with Stephanie." She continues on.

He stops typing, all of a sudden. In truth, he kind of forgot about his girlfriend. But he would never say that out loud. "Yeah." He clears his throat awkwardly. "Yeah, let's take the night off. Unwind and all that."

She beams at him then leaves. He leans back on his chair and sighs.

•••

After their dinner, April and Matthew are on her couch, making out. Matthew slips his hands inside her shirt and nears the side of her bra. She instantly pulls away, out of impulse.

Matthew looks genuinely confused. "Is something wrong? Should I stop?" He pulls away slightly.

"No, no—" She pulls at his shoulder and he scoots closer when she changes her mind. "I meant—"

"April—"

"How do I even begin to explain this—?"

"Explain what, April? You don't used to be a dude or anything, do you?" Matthew tries to smile but despite that, he's a little nervous inside.

April tries to laugh but it falters. She turns serious. "It's just—you have to understand, I'm not like others girls you've been with."

Matthew's eyebrows shot up. "Are you calling me some kind of man-slut?"

"No!" She frantically says. She pulls away and leans back on the couch. She stares intently into his eyes.

"Sex is…a really big deal to me."

He smiles softly. "I think I've already registered that you're that kind of girl."

"Matthew…"

"Are you a virgin, April?" He asks suddenly. "Because it's not a big deal if you are."

"No, I'm not." April sighs. She wonders if she should tell him about Jackson, but when she sees the way he's looking at her right now, she decides against it. She wants to be looked at that for a little longer—for someone to look at her like she's the most interesting person. She continues on, "Well, I did revirginize, or at least tried—"

"Wait, revirginize? What?" He asks incredulously.

April takes deep breath. Now she's embarrassed. "It's the process of being a virgin again—"

"Is that even possible?"

"Yeah, it involved a lot of praying—I tried to do that after I lost my virginity and I sort of…lost focus, so I stopped." She shouldn't have said anything…ah, screw it. She might as well go on. "And after sorting through some stuff, I vowed to myself that the next guy I'm gonna sleep with is the guy I'm in love with and it's gonna be on my wedding night. It's just…it's what I want." She sighs. "I want it because of my love for Jesus. I know that sounds dumb –"

"April –"

"– it's what I want, for as long as I can remember. I may have lost my way sometimes – swerving off, missing my exit, as if my life is some kind of freeway – but I'm really trying my best to keep myself on the right track. Do you get what I mean?"

Matthew opens his mouth, but the second that he hesitates, April shakes her head.

"Forget it," she says embarrassingly. "I can't believe I said all that stuff, I basically dropped a bomb on your lap. It's just – it's this thing that I do. I start saying things and it will go on and on and I won't be able to stop and –"

"April." He says, louder this time. He holds her hands in his to get her attention.

She stops midsentence. She bites her lower lip. She observes his expression. "You're confused." She states, like it's the worse thing in the world right now.

He grins. "Well, I only got the gist of what you said." He says, nodding.

She nods her head slowly. "Okay."

Matthew stares at her for a few seconds. "So…just so we're clear, are you in love with me?" He asks warily, as if he dreads the answer.

April swallows as she thinks about it. Is she in love? "No." She says slowly.

He frowns, his hold on her hands loosening. "Oh." He shrugs. "Well, why would you be, right? We've only gone out a few times."

"But," she adds, "I'm getting there." She says and finds it true. "I-I mean, I'm headed for that direction, if that makes sense."

He chuckles. "It makes sense since you've used a freeway as a metaphor for your life."

She giggles. "I did, didn't I?"

"But, hey, no pressure, right?" He starts rubbing small circles on her knee. "If I'm not that guy, I can deal. But we're certainly not gonna get married just because I want to sleep with you already."

She takes his hand in hers as relief rushes through her and smiles."It's a deal."


	26. March 8, 2013

"I Guess You Can Say that Things are Getting Pretty Serious" by Forever the Sickest Kids

_Okay, I get your point, we're better friends than lovers _

_And if I had a chance, I'd do it all over_

•••

As the boards come closer, April studies even harder, invests more time to it. The one great thing about is that Jackson is with her all along.

On the night before she leaves for Chicago, where the boards will be happening this year, April sits on her bed with Jackson. She leans on the footboard, while he's on the opposite side. They are surrounded by April's index cards and both tired.

She crosses her legs over the other as she speaks up. "So I'm nervous about tomorrow." She says it so casually that he almost doesn't believe it.

He pats her shin in comfort. "You'll be fine, trust me." He says confidently.

"Oh, I trust you, alright. I just don't trust the fact that I'll be fine tomorrow."

"April, stop bringing yourself down."

She sighs. "I'm just saying, if I don't pass this—"

He scowls.

But she continues on. "I'm just telling you my plans if things don't go as I wished. Now, if I don't pass, I will probably go to Ohio and take some time off. Reflect on what happened and try my best to move on."

"That's it?" He questions her.

"Oh, no." April shakes her head, strands that have fallen from her bun swishing on the side of her face. "I'll track down Todd Hatcher, the only guy who ever thought of me in high school and ask him to marry. Because, let's face it, if you worked too much on the computer since high school, you're probably some internet billionaire now."

"Assuming that he's single?"

"He used to reenact The Lord of the Rings every Saturday and post it all over the walls of our high school to promote his club. I think I'm gonna hold on to that." She deadpans.

Jackson laughs. "Sounds like a solid plan."

April nods, grinning. "Damn straight."

He fell silent for a second, all of a sudden.

"What about Matthew?"

"You mean assuming that he'll still want to be with a so-called doctor who can't pass the boards?"

"Don't be so naive, April."

She shrugs. "Just being realistic."

"And if you pass? What are your plans? Would you still leave Seattle for a better fellowship offer?"

"That," she points her finger, "I haven't actually figured out yet."

"Would you really leave everyone?" He asks, almost challengingly. "Even me?"

"You're my best friend, Jackson." She says smoothly. "Don't make me lose my focus on the boards by making me think I'm about to lose you again."

His eyebrows furrow. "You haven't lost me. I never left."

"Oh, but for a time, I did." She turns back to her index cards again. She mumbles, almost to herself, "You didn't have to leave this town for me to lose you."

He stares at her. "I just want to say I'm sorry again."

She asks absentmindedly, "Sorry for what?"

"For not being there for you, when you needed me."

April instantly knows what he's talking about. She looks up at him. "Jackson, that was not your fault. I may have gotten mad at some point but it was not your fault."

"It was." He sits up closer to her. "I should've been there to take care of you. Because I'd like to think that it's my job to do that. And I would never forgive myself for screwing everything up for you."

"Why not?" She asks. "I did."

Jackson looks down and shakes his head slightly before looking up at her again. "Because you're too good of a person. Too kind and caring and passionate. You didn't deserve what happened to you."

"It's in the past now, Jackson. Let it go." April says softly.

"I couldn't." He admits. "Not when all I could think about is if one small thing went differently, everything will."

"Maybe it's just not meant to be." She points out.

He purses his lips. What she just said is a solid punch in the gut. He averts his stare before leaning back on the headboard. "Yeah, I guess it's not."


	27. March 9, 2013

"Clarity" by John Mayer

_But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain_

_The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain_

•••

The morning sun is too bright to ignore.

Jackson squints a little before opening his eyes wide. The first thing he sees is April's sleeping face. She's on her side, directly in front of him. Her red hair frames her face. She's wearing exactly the same as the night before—in her grey sweatshirt and flannel shorts. Only now, she looks peaceful, as if the anticipation of her test is far from her already crowded thoughts. The bed's scattered with index cards—they clearly fell asleep while studying.

From where he's lying, he could smell her scent, what he remembered longing for all the time when they used to be together—something flowery he couldn't place. It's exactly the same. He closes his eyes and lets her scent invade his senses. He's about to fall asleep when her alarm clock beeps out loud. He feels her stir beside him. Then she groans. The alarm stops. His eyes are still closed but he feels her move beside him. Then a hand brushes by his arm, sending goosebumps.

"Jackson. Jackson, you have to get—g-get u-up." She yawns as she finishes her sentence. "Jackson."

Finally, he opens his eyes and meets her stare.

"Time to get up." She stands up from the bed and walks over to her drawer for a towel. "Have some coffee, if you want. I have to shower—you can let yourself out."

Jackson frowns. She's all but kicking him out. He sits up and rubs his eyes.

She's about to go into the bathroom when halfway in, she turns back to him. She gives him a small smile. "Thank you again, Jackson. For helping me with this."

Jackson smiles back. "Tell you what, when you pass—and you will—you'll buy me dinner. Not as a date or anything. Just…me and you."

"And if I fail?" She frowns.

"Then I'll buy you dinner. Not that you'll fail anyway."

April smiles again. "That's a deal."

•••

You're gonna be great, I promise.

April smirks when she reads that text message from Jackson. He has been great, supportive and all.

She's in a shuttle that's bringing them to the airport. A few moments later, Matthew calls.

"Hey." She answers lightly.

"Hi, how are you feeling today?"

"I'm…not sure."

Which is true. Her feelings of anticipation, nervousness, confidence—then the next moment, lack thereof—are all getting mixed up.

Matthew chuckles. "You're gonna be great, that I'm sure of. God loves you, he'll make sure you kick this exam's ass." He pauses, then says, "I'm rooting for you, April. Hold on to that."

She smiles as she stares out the window. "I will gladly do just that."

•••

Jackson's walking through the bridge, his phone in his ear. He's talking to April, who just checked in her hotel room. "How's the Windy City?"

"Um, I don't know, windy?"

Jackson chuckles. "You think you're so damn funny."

"You just laughed!"

He laughs even more but when he sees Stephanie through the glass, he stops. He turns his back to her and leans on the railing, facing the window-covered wall.

"So what are you doing today? Any trauma I'd kill to be working on?" She asks.

"As far as I know, none. I swear, sometimes, I think you're hoping there'll be a mass accident of some sort and it'll be just like Christmas to you."

"Please, Jackson." She scoffs. "Christmas is a day of birth not of death. And I have to pass my boards first before I treat myself with any sort of Christmas."

"And you will." Jackson rolls his eyes. "Just relax, have a long sleep and you'll be fresh and ready in the morning."


End file.
